chips and chocolate

there is no way to start and fill in the gaps since i last blogged. tonight i had chips and chocolates for dinner, as my re-heated thai food cooled on the table. when the baby cries, i usually respond. he's so beautiful and so exhausting. i want to stare at him for days on end and i want to leave him with his grandmother and go shopping. for a walk. anything. this time is short, though, so i am not sweating the fact that i haven't left the property for several days (wait- no- i went to the pharmacy** on christmas, so it's only 2 days...), or just changed from one set of pjs into a new one at 5pm. this baby's going to grow up and i'll never have him so tiny and new again. so buying new pants, or finding the ones i used to wear, will have to wait. besides, his dad gave me this crappy box of chocolates for christmas, so why let them go to waste?

so you- come on over- and let's go for a walk. xoxo r


** baby has what doc thinks is staph !?!?! on his lil thighs and armpits. those baby folds go deep, and you can miss these things. poor lil guy is on antibiotics. so i'm eating yogurt for two.

1 h@d a baby

51 hours in the hospital. i really need to write more about it. most inexperienced birth team ever, maybe, and the best ever...mostly. dad is on my shitlist, but what else is new? i'm not impressed with his lack of intention in his "presence". seems like the two of us just really don't understand one another At All. irritating, cause we made a damn fine baby.

today some interesting things happened: i went to the doctor, i started crying, i couldn't stop crying, i took a nap, maybe, and then got some nursing gear...then i coughed and am pretty sure i started bleeding. this sh* is how do you say intense?

good week for dollars

i got a bonus and a raise

and three days ahead of me at work

and AMEN hallelujah that the raise takes effect one month ago. Mama's gonna need that money soon.

haunted house

i woke up, with a start, at 3:20am, knowing that i really need to exorcise my house. i read for a while and went back to sleep. that's when i dreamt that i and my family had a new house.

it was gorgeous, but kind of remote. and one of the rooms was like a kiva type thing on a fucking cliff above the sea, and seemed like it might get a little cold. we got a good deal, or it was free, or the main house was marvelous or something. so we went for it. i don't know who "my family" means, in this case.

so some people came over (family friends? members?) and then we all went to bed but they seemed to pass out in the pool and oops they drowned. fortunately they drowned on top of the previous owner/resident of the house, so all three bodies were in the pool.

in the morning, with some buddy of mine, i pulled out the drain stopper to reveal the disaster, and all three of the drowned people in the tub awoke.

"oh," i realized, "the cost for this house is immortality." and then kept replaying that 'drowned people waking up' image.

"I hope we have investments," i thought, "because this is going to be expensive."

Postscript:
Lydia came over for dinner the next night and I told her about this dream. And then we went out and bought sage on Telegraph and sage'd the crap out of the house. With an Irish blessing and some Hebrew to finish. It's much better now!

red headed stepchild

apparently my biomom has assumed this view of me as well. who knows if my stepdad will come out to meet the new baby, but mom can offer up to 10 days. unless it interrupts christmas. in which case, tough. good luck with all of that. call if you want me to mail you some shit.

oh and the month long golf vacation in palm springs? no, honey, don't guilt me into changing that. we might stop by for a week before or after. if we feel like it.

is this what "support you however we can" means? i would think otherwise. no wonder i have a complex about needing people.

due date plus 3

J biddy's due date was last thursday. so this is how we communicate these days.

welcome to the environmental movement

we're all dating/marrying/partnering interracially.

we're this white as hell office, all good intentioned and smarty pants, and a large portion of us have non-white partners.

not all, ok. but a good number.

is it just the bay area? or is it that this (environment) is where lots of white folks get to plug in?

weekend and the future

this is where I was on Saturday:


On Sunday I did "le menage" and had donuts and a crib delivered by wonderful people. Wow. Thanks, friends.

Now I'm thinking about the fun I want to have when I get my house. I want to:

Plant a lemon tree by the front door
Transplant my lavender from its pot to the border by the house
paint up the guest room and make it comfy
paint the "nursery", cut out a door, thicken the wall between it and my bedroom
kill the grass and get gorgeous with herbs and other no-water goodies.

I'll keep dreaming for the next couple of weeks....

dear everyone- please blog more

i have nothing to say, but i would really like to read about you!

love
r

it's all beyond comprehension

i ran into a friend at a show yesterday and i was so freaked out i couldn't even look at her.

then her girlfriend kissed me hello and asked for help with her dress and i thought "wow. really? thank god." because i really missed them, but because of the troubles with the one, i thought maybe they were out of my friend loop forevers.

and then after the show, they both came over and hugged me hello and we laughed a lot. a lot. and it was really nice. but it's hard to tell what motivations are, and so i hedged my bets with "show etiquette" and went on my way, all nostalgic.

and then she wrote me in the chat box today and i was afraid to read it and it was totally nice and i think we are ok.

and that is two in a week for old friends with awkward silences that are clearing up.

sometimes life is just too much to understand and i just have to breathe and be grateful and sometimes, you know, just miss the train because i went back for my lipstick. and let it all fall into place.

N4omi Watts has my high chair

see?

WOW!

baby "peach" was born this morning. we had just gathered to give anjie all of those final items- a changing table pad, a car seat, loads of darling clothes...and the next morning her water broke.

anjie gave birth almost exactly one month "early" of her due date.

when i found out Anj was preggers, i felt awful- she was stronger and better than i was, she could take an accident and make it hers. i was pregnant at the time, but found out weeks later. she and i have found strength in each other through this weird time. discussing baby dad's involvement, hopes, fears, etc etc etc.

so the fact that anjie moved in with her married friends on the same day i did, and that anj and i are taking similar if not exact maternity leaves, is putting the fear of god in me right now.

i would enjoy an excuse to quit working, but i have a lot of prep to do before this baby comes. last night i found myself a little rudderless, so it's time to make a list:

re-upholster that great bassinet. paint it too?
inventory baby clothes from the Gabors
wash the car seat/stoller linens
ditto baby bouncers
list for announcements
baby shower
birth prep class- get both coaches in there? crossing fingers....
baby CPR class.

Dear. I am busy again, eh? Thanks, Anj, for paving the way.

i recommend

you save your money and skip "burn after reading"

oh. my. god.

i cannot focus. i am missing deadlines and dropping balls at work and i cannot manage to get it together.

what would it take to take the next 6 months off?

well, if i get some of salary for some of that time, if I could have another $10-15K and a big new bed (or another $3k to buy it), I think I could swing it.

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

if one more person

asks how i am feeeeeling, i will punch that person in the face.

especially in response to a completely different story:

me: i was in a show! look, my picture's in the paper!

other person: cool! how are you feeeeeeeling?

me: [POW!] how are YOU feeling?

there are only a few people i like talking about that with, and those get it unsolicited. buzz off, coworkers and distant family members.

are you feeling me?

i'm going into hiding

it sucks when that feeling corresponds with a performance. the only one for a long time. but i feel like i don't have much to give anymore, and i feel like a lame ass boring person when i try and socialize.

so i'm hiding out.

things are going to be fine.

sometimes i also get excited that baby's dad is a-ok

i know it's dangerous. but it sure feels good to get all hopeful about this genetic mashup.

"don't forget to buy art for the baby." i love telling him that, too.

my new favorite thing is going home

that's all. it's really nice.

why i am awesomely awesome

there is a ridiculously awesome show coming up.

it follows on the heels of a vaguely awesome show that got a lot of press and some famous peoples, but was still a giant outdoor festival. which to me means crowded, expensive and can't hear/see the musicians. (my exception to this prejudice is when the show is free, in which case it is an awesome community event and everyone should go. on public transportation.)

one of the musicians from the big messy (cold) festival is coming back this weekend to play a much smaller venue, and because i am awesomely awesome and know how to work the internets, i have tickets. 2 of them. and i think the boy's going to pay. boom!

now you know.

my life in status messages

rebecca g...

drinks chocolate milk like it's water. thank god star6ucks has hormone free milk.

is wondering if she has to cancel her facebook account now that she's gone suburban?

invites you to her New Home! Which is beautiful and warm and only slightly over-occupied right now.

is happy that tonight is the last night of monday evening rehearsal. 6-10pm, you are too long and late for a pregnant lady!

there just aren't enough status forums in my world. unless i start tw1tte3ring. i can't. i just can't.

celebrity crushes

they're not celebrities. but when i worked at that crazy arts organization downtown, there were some FANCY men on the board. I developed a crush on one, probably because he was single, owned a book company, and seemed, how do you say, "rich"? (I still think of him when I buy his company's goods. it's SF-based, but the "japanese" note cards I picked up at the National Gallery last year are printed by him. So you see, more than books. More than SF.)

i went to that sale last weekend, and wished i could request a favor from another board member with whom i used to correspond. oh but that connection died a long time ago.

anyway, i'm daydreaming, to get out of the current legal/housing/life battles, and this fantasy, well-polished "cowboy" (that's how texas girls dream) came back. i thought i'd share.

who's your secret crush?

i'm cuter than the last time you saw me

i got my teeth cleaned (flabby gums?). ouch! but they're wayyy whiter. that's great because i figure i'm not allowed whitening potions in my "state."

then i went to the genius who does my hair, and cut off about 8 inches. i saved a lock for mercury testing (!?) but we'll see if i turn it in to the lab. anyway, i think it's french, or german when it's flat. and easy and new.

so there, complicated boy issues- beauty therapy to the rescue!

will you shop for me?

I really really really want to go to this sale, but it's the exact days of my trip to the east coast. Beh.

If I give you $600, will you print out that post to save another 10%, then go find me a great sofa?

Thanks, friend. You're the best.

confession

i don't trust skinny people.

thin ones who work out, fine. but these skin and bones folks? no way. not as far as they'd fall if i gave em a weak shove.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the house looks good. big, not designed with exactly the right rooms, but workable. clean. standing. gas stove. good light. it's a go.

and "daddy" arrived in town and wants to get together tonight.

AND THERE'S A STEREO IN MY CAR for the first time in 6 months.

I'm supposed to laundry (and my job) on a day like this?????

It's all I can do to keep breathing. Man.

i forgot my camera

and i'm spotting

and the sky is STILL gray

and the woman next to me is So Dumb

you know when you lie in your bed, first thing in the morning, thinking how delicious a little caffeine will be, that it's going to be a rocky start.

I have brewed some green tea. Things will brighten soon, dammit!

__
Postscript 10:54am- things are better already. improvements all around, except for the camera issue. there's always tomorrow. amen!

things i would like to say but wont

these chips are a better baby daddy than you are

your fiction sucks anyway

...to be continued.

I'm keeping them here so that in real life i can Be the Better Dude.

under contract. in contract?

appraisal today, inspections wednesday. oh hell yes.
(that's my unit on the right. squint and you'll see it better!)



this is what the "yard" looks like.

/sigh-- another home, another garden project.

before that, you're invited for labor day bbq (fingers crossed)!!

top two

Top two comments since going public. The first comes from single men, the second from all walks.

1) Whoa. You know, I got a girl pregnant once.
I usually just let this one settle so that the speaker can feel his foot in his mouth.

2) You look great!
I try to take this one at face value. It has had the various effects of making me feel completely weird and completely great, depending on the speaker.

And then I go and get some fruit. And a lot of other things, and I eat them, because baby's hungry!

i would like my husband now

come on over, mister.

alls i need is some smarts, some decent good looks, and some sex drive.

loyalty and an interest in building a home are also key.

please send referrals to the address at right.

xo
r

i am trying

to fight for myself and my health

to take care of this baby

and to stay a beautiful being

it's hard.

but i have good influences all around and dear god i am grateful. i am also reaching out in all kinds of ways to try and get what i need and that is something new and wonderful and i am digging it the most.

thank you, yous.

how does that happen?

Oops.

I was trying on a skirt, not sure if it would work
and I was running late
and then I was walking to BART thinking "oh. shit."

I forgot my underwear.

please cross your fingers

we're putting in offer #3 this evening.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(it's very exciting. the most exciting yet!)

first baby present

...and it's perfect.

it's a little baby-feeding spoon.

i think we all know i'll have to do some research to learn when baby will begin to need a spoon (a year? uh, i dunno), but when it's time, this one is perfect.

it's mother of pearl and [most likely] rosewood, and it was purchased based on a strong psychic connection from SF to Tha1land. By someone who didn't know baby was coming, but felt compelled to buy it anyway. delivered independence day weekend.

i love it! and the gender-neutral, plastic-free baby house is on its way.

geminis can be very annoying

the astrologers know all about it:

For Scorpio: This is not a likely match, the elusive, fickle Gemini will drive you to distraction, which in turn could bring out your vengeful side.

Complete opposites and it would be unusual if they even got along..irrelevant info...Scorpio is sensual, passionate, demanding, jealous, inflexible and Gemini is fickle, flighty, superficial, lighthearted, changeable. Gemini like the social scene and Scorpio likes privacy. Not a good match.

Friends for decades nonetheless.

it's still smoky, folks

they say the sky is clear and it's ok to go outside again (as if that, instead of this gawdawful head cold kept me inside all weekend with the brief moments of the park on saturday and iconic brunch on sunday).

but when i blew my nose this morning, i tasted smoke.

and when my eyes hurt today, it feels like campfire burn, not computer screen fatigue.

plus i'm reading about the fire of 19O6. So, i mean, DAMN. that smoke is e'erywhere.

Moon over San Francisco

Moon over San Francisco
Originally uploaded by Darwin Bell

made an offer on a house

WHAT? who is this person whose life I am living? is this a grownup? i was talking to the IRS on my bluetooth as i commuted (publicly, natch) this morning. who is that? i look at my tall, sparkly socks. Oh, it's still me.

so this person who wears the great socks and worries about resale value of her bay area property* AND the earth loving hippie who studied "the envir'ment" in college so long ago are BOTH excited to read this in the new york times (quick clip "As gas prices climb, people who once considered an exurban commute are now considering center-city living."). urban renewal, indeed.

*and no, I don't actually have the property yet. but i (we) might soon!

comedy break

For the ladies

side effects, part 1000

runny nose, sneezing
piercing headaches
giant boobs
bizarre tastes
dizziness
exhaustion
"digestive distress"

and i thought it was just a bummer to not fit into your clothes.

do you think women gloss over this part because they're so darned excited to be in on the life cycle? or is it that i haven't known many pregnant women? am i more in touch with the delicate balance around here? or am i just more of a complainer?

regardless, blech. week 16, here we come. i thought the sick part was supposed to be over by now.

bl0gs are for people who are b0red at work

things i miss when i'm out of town

1) you
2) california produce
3) california attitudes
4) the beach (the idea of it is enough)
5) public transportation / being able to walk places
6) trusting that when i order food at a restaurant, it will taste good
7) YOGA

i don't miss the blogs or my shoes or really much else. those only seem to be important when i'm bored in my regular life.

life and death

it's been a big week. complain about being alone and bored, and man do the wheels move.

i watched my grandmother die...almost. i visited her for two days, and on the third the room smelled different. wouldn't it be a paradox if i could smell it only because i'm pregnant? it smelled different because it smelled like a person dying. i cried and swabbed her mouth and told her stories and cried and refilled my water bottle. then i kissed her goodnight and told her she'd be fine wherever she went. i'm sure she is. it's a little tough to think that her body is still sitting in a refrigerator though. i wish it weren't about to be embalmed.

hear this, internet- i do not need preservatives. please wrap me in muslin and bury me by a tree--or overlo0king the ocean-- please.

couldn't get the smell out of my nose even after a day away...so i stayed in the L0ne Star State one more night. there's no need to bring that part home.

nobody's blogging today...

all of my girlfriends were effectively out of town last weekend.

i have a LOT of (okok just exactly enough) girlfriends, and every damn one of you was away.

it's summer vacation and i'm not going anywhere.

AND the internet is boring. sheesh. what's a girl to do?

(i hear July will be more interesting. here's hopin)

i used to be interesting

now i have two obsessions, and they're really only interesting to a limited audience.

in an effort to revive some of my liveliness, i finagled my way into a fancy dance show this fall. How'm I gonna remodel my house NOW?

wearing gramma's opal

i met with a friend last night with whom i've basically fallen out of touch. i read her blog, and comment occasionally, but for the most part we're in separate worlds. except that in the past few months our lives have taken some sudden turns and dumped us on very similar and surprising paths.

we shared burritos last night (well, she had nachos) and couldn't believe how similarly it's all shaken out. there was a lot of solace in hearing her stories of shame and excitement and confusion and fear. cause they're a lot like mine and how freakin weird man.

i also couldn't help noticing the beautiful gems we were both wearing on our left ring fingers (hers looked like emeralds, mine is mostly opal). i don't know if it was a fashion coincidence or a conscious choice on each of our parts to separate ourselves from the 'single' mob, and i didn't have the heart to ask. it was day one for me, too experimental to discuss.

i'm wearing it again today, and it's beautiful. i've been waiting for the time when i could wear it and feel right. thanks, grandma.

(ps i looked online for a representative picture because i don't have one of this particular ring just yet. they all pale so i won't taint your vision with a fake. <3)

it's the new style

it's weird thinking about gaining weight, when you've spent most of your life being borderline anorexic (not that you'd know) and both healthily and not healthfully obsessed with food.

all of my paranoias about hormones and pesticides are through the roof now. my body, paradoxically, is giving me messages like "hot dog NOW." and "those donuts will make me feel better." and it's/i'm right. but today i've gone back to most of the old ways, organic, with flax oil, fresh, whole. it feels good. and i'll have the donut later.

so freaking weird. i may never do this again (an old/new again friend reminded me), so i may as well do it consciously. quit with the fire breathing yoga yesterday, at least temporarily, and while i felt like a pussy and a quitter, the new class was just right for my energy level and body-centered paranoia. so amen for that.

in other news, i slept through the night. does the fascinating news never cease??

reasons to thank god

I parked on the thursday street cleaning side last night. I was supposed to ride BART this morning, but getting out of bed is monumental these days. And when i got to the car at 8:30, there was not a ticket. AND i got to work on time.

then something else happened, but who can remember such things?

well, lots of things. fewer in the "crisis averted and money saved" category.

also, could someone please take me to see willie nelson this summer? that would be really great.

love
r

i am up to date with the tax man!

woooooohoooooooooooooo

thank you, Professional Help. it is really my new favorite to pay people to do things I don't know how to do. they do *such* a better job!

barbie medicine

i spend a lot of time thinking about food- what will be the best option, what will prevent the barfs, etc. lately i've been going back to the foods of my childhood- fried fish, potato chips, spaghetti. simple american junk. it's afternoon and hot outside and i'm going for the barbie medicine. my lil sister may have coined the name long after i had ditched her, but i'm using it. Make it for yourself and feel fabulous:

into one soup bowl, place:
1 scoop (blue bell, the best tasting ice cream...in the country) vanilla ice cream
then drizzle it well with chocolate sauce

put your bowl on the side table and watch david letterman or some other too-late and not quite programmed for kids TV show.

after 8-10 minutes have passed, stir. If you have a thick, light to medium brown soup, you've done it! Eat it slowly with a tiny spoon. feed it to your barbies and watch their miraculous recoveries!

by the way, If you've left it too long, and the soup is thin, START OVER. This is one dish that can't be salvage-cooked.

keeping my feet up

this is tricky, this secret-keeping business. it would be much easier to explain why i'm not to lift heavy things (when the company is moving and i'm expected to pack up my office) or stand up too much...if i weren't waiting until the news was sure.

it would also be nice if there were a partner in the picture. and so i wrote that message this morning, which was good: "appreciate me (you used to think i was great), get annoyed, if you must, at the situation. quit being a jerk to me, please." or something like that. you know.

the power of suggestion

BECAUSE OF YOU (maggie)

i am eating pb&j for breakfast. yummmmy!

i would like to cry right now

just got off the chat box with daddy

sudden end was a little bit of a jolt

rationally, it was a good conversation (and it's also good that we have now had a conversation), but there is no getting around the facts that
he is in thailand and
he is 24

i am at work, now, and he is getting drunk.

house-making

i got up this morning and accidentally started cooking.

grapefruit and kiwi salad with shredded apple and coconut

and

spicy homemade split peas with carrots.

i left the radishes on the side and am again impressed with my improving ability to make tasty food with only the guidance of my lil brain.

yummy!

aaaand now i'm not

everything changes in just the blink of an eye, doesn't it?

i want to paint my bedroom
i want to paint it this color:









i want to meet that man in paris and i want us to live happily ever after.

even if it's in Oakland.

omg it's working!

i haven't had a panic since i started the sƃnɹp!

i just realized.

yay!!! that's good. i still hate my job. maybe more now that i have clearer perspective. thursday i'm sending out my resume. nope, this weekend. nope, thursday. this weekend is very full, what with dance shows and hot tubs and jewelry buying. and wine.

Thursday it is.

(oh in other news, the 15-20 years i spent in pursuit of being "fun" are a success, says a friend who knows. now to move on to the next project- being a stable, effective human. see ya in a decade!)

sƃnɹp uo ɯ,ı

i dropped a quick email to her and my regular doc sent a Rx to the pharmacy on tuesday. wow. i picked it up sat and am operating on day 2 of medification.

i'm happy.

i was mean to the first person at work today, but i also freaked myself out with smiliness at & on the way to yoga.

and i stopped before i hurt myself in yoga, too.

i ate a brownie before i went to bed last night (that's bad for you. and it has uppers in it), and i slept the whole night through.

argggghhh big pharma

"the most awesomest white girl I know"

how come all the brown boys have to qualify my cool with "white"?

pretty sure that was a miscarriage

my fertility is really freaking me out.

i thought maybe i was reorienting to the moon.

i thought maybe something was off...i did the right thing, though, with the ring and all, and so i shouldn't feel like it's my fault. right? but i do. i fucked up my babymaker with my ingratitude. and now it seems to be revolting.

i'm watching h4rold & kum4r to distract myself.

the therapist was stupid. i'm going to k4iser for drugs.

i'm going to therapy today

(i'll just let that soak in. when the roaring crowd settles down, i'll be back with more.)

dream

hilary. tired, in a chambray, a-line skirt and some practical shoes. with a baby. she was the me i didn't choose. she was tired, haggard, alone, i'm pretty sure the art was gone. or maybe it wasn't. that wasn't important- what WAS inportant was that she was alone. and tired. so there's a part of me that is glad we did it the way we did.

damn that internet

i'm so suggestible. I go to read a career blog, get back on track at work this morning, and now i'm fantasizing about all the gardening and volunteer work i'd do as a housewife.

jeez. that's just what i need. *More* negative incentives to do my job well.

before that happened, and now that i'm thinking about it again, i'm grateful for the good good friends around me. i'm grateful that i'm allowed to spend a whole day in my pajamas feeling bad for myself, and the next day in a sundress and heels, talking about whatever's real to you amazing peoples. so so so grateful.

i hate today

but not today exclusively. i hate lots of things.

because my brain is broken. i need to take it in for some serious repairs.

Steve used to needle my head for the arthritis. i think he knew.

. . .

he left on friday morning "see you when i get back" (per our previous conversation requiring us to be friends and normal upon his return).

he flew sat morning (i slept in and then went and played with dogs)

texted me sunday. (ignored)

chatted me monday. (delayed, cursory response followed by chat block)

emailed me monday. (ignored)

i called monday night, high on a glass of wine and the possibility of my future, to claim my space assertively:

"i want more than you want to give me. as long as you're not going to give it to me, I need you to GO AWAY."

"ok. since we're on the phone, wanna talk?" (he was at a bar. what?)

No.

he called back twenty minutes later. thankfully, i missed the call.

my farm has a youtube channel

i'm working from home today, because i can, and am taking this opportunity to catch up on all of the internet that's firewall-ed at the office.

so i 'm watching videos of the baby chicks and the grown up chickens who lay the delicious eggs i ate for breakfast. i love my farm. i love that they grow herbs just because they smell good, that they seem to be friends with every farm around, that the farmer somehow ended up farming in israel and then dixon, california, even though he's british (and is named nigel)...and that his two kids (who i just learned are in a spanish language immersion school, which is just awesome because you know that helps with connecting to the farmworkers) truck a laptop around the fields and that little kids send in money to help the farm buy horses because let's face it, with oil prices and the global economy as they are, horses seem like a damn smart investment for a farm.

Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/eatwellfarmcsa. Join! Yum!

nothing perks up the cube monkeys

nothing, that is, quite like hearing the words "this is an awkward conversation" through the cubicle wall. eeeeehhh

or maybe not

maybe it's time for me to grow up and f*ing make the relationships I already have work. quit moving on to the next. do the work. get uncomfortable, and come through with history.

new crowd

a new crowd is making their way into my social orbit.

i was resisting, because i already have friends, right? but no. those friends are married, in relationships, dancers (no f*ing link for that shit). which means they're not available for single easy whatever get togethers. now an occasional planning sesh for a super awesome check-in is great, but we're talking day to day now. the kind of basic love that a partner provides.

so i'm accepting these new kids, cause that's how the city life goes. and that's also what the gril scouts taught me.

more more more

i want to get rid of all my clothes and start all fresh
and
i want a house

that's all for today.

not so bad, eh?

things i'd say, if

"i love you"
"i miss our baby"
"i'm flirting with the guy on the other side of me. maybe he's It."
"i hope you come back and give It to me."
"i don't know how to qu1t you."

heheheheeheh

talk about superstars

i made friends with this super charming excited friendly interested in the environment guy yesterday. we sat down, talked shop, shook hands, traded cards and promises to call; everything was groovy.

then my dinner dates ditched me and i was sitting, exhausted and starved (truly, this time) outside the convention center, when my coolest new friend walked by. i chased him and his two friends into the crosswalk and said "mind if i join you for dinner?" he and his very gracious and interesting companions took me with them for what was lovely and la la la i fell in love again and had to change the title of my blog.

i got home and found out he's HUGE in sports. what do i know about sports? nothing and we're talking about sports in the nyc and winter sports so the audience is narrowing, but apparently this guy is a freaking icon. i just thought he was rich and interesting. and cute. also-- did i mention adORable?

dammit

i wrote him today to say "you're cute and now i found out you're HUGE and can we be friends anyway cause damn that was fun having dinner with you." please, friends of mine, will you cross your fingers and say your prayers for me?
___

there are so many Men with capital Ms in this world. thank the heavens for continuing to send me out of town so that i can come into my grown up power. i think i look different; like an adult. i like it. i also like coming home to the love that is SF to integrate all of the new knowledge.

thanks, god.

wish list

still with the beautiful sofa
washer dryer super efficient
curtains for the living room, kitchen, & bonus room
rugs for my chilly toes. maybe some new slippers
a frame for the lump of futon on the lv room floor.
"day cream"

it's not so much to ask, is it?

we all hate it when i get topical

but it has to be done. i'm learning and trying to stay current. so from the files of an eco-fascinated rebeccag, here's what's going on.

gas is tres expensive. (très cher, in fact), by US standards. but guess what? St@rf*cks frappawhatsit (also mineral water, OJ, and other delicious treats) costs six times as much, per gallon, which is how my bro-in-law, sustainability consultant, drinks it.

also, i get to see MlCHAEL POLLAN this weekend!!!! I'm going on a business trip (ooh, fancy.) It's my first ever, and while i am sad it's over a weekend, i am s-t-o-ke-d to travel for work. and to see monsieur pollan, my similarly food-obsessed guru.

Finally, if I hadn't fallen prey to an email from a horribly and tasty trendy chain shop a few months ago, i'd so be in the market for this. stylish, no? and from the good woods? Maybe. they say it's sustainably harvested, but the mfr website don't say how that's done. arrrgh gr33nwarshing.

finally, in researching a photo for this "story" i couldn't find a photo that reflects the actual skyrocket-ed gas prices. that is, all the photos of supposedly astronomical prices showed California costs from maybe 6 months ago. sheesh. Instead you get Arctic melt (photo credit: Luise Murray), my boss's current obsession. He solved it, you know. Now for implementation.

"groups" I'd like to build on that one site

groups i want to make today:

i like you, but your puns are not funny. (in some bizarre happenstance it does not exist?!?!)
i wish i was at yoga
i'm "not inverting" today
when i get something i just want more
sexy grownups

that last one might be an oxymoron, hmm, considering the theoretical location.

anyway- see you at happy hour tomorrow!

something i'd like to tell you

i had a lot of fun in new york. sometimes i was lonely, a lot of the time i was tired, my feet often needed elevating and i got lost about every day.

but now that i'm back i feel different. and it is really good. maybe it's because i lost 4 pounds walking and not eating, and maybe it's because i showed up a country mouse and i left a fabulous jet setter. from a beautiful VC-er's lower east side loft.

it's hard to know.

but i'm stronger and smarter and more beautiful than before. and that sounds cheesier than anything, but it feels good.

and i am seeing the boy's expiration date on the horizon, and it's not too bad. certainly not the heartbreak it was before i left. because, yes, it's temporary for a reason.

things are good.

probably i'll llook back fondly

and remember that i was bored. and be curious about that and wish i had more energy when i get out of work...but i'll be invested again. go new title writer go!

i'm doing an informal survey

to learn who thinks i'm not that smart. Aaron.

work work and vacation too

you know that feeling after a big cry? when you clean yourself up, leave the bathroom stall, and walk back into your office? I keep having that feeling, but without the crying part. Seriously. I have these shitty interactions (with bosses mostly) then feel like I've been crying. But i haven't cried for days and days and days. and it's not that "about to cry" bursting feeling either, it's definitely the "after."

I don't know.

but new CommDir just told me i look 26 and I'm sick of not being taken seriously here. It's a cycle, because i have honestly not been putting much in-- I can't blame others for being unimpressed. So I'm starting again. Next week trial, then vacation to New York. When I'm back, Communications Dept 100%. F*ck this noise.

I will

• show up on time.


• not waste my time getting "dressed" for SuperCasual hiker office


• wear glasses even though my peripheral vision thus sucks and i get sleepy and headachy. Maybe I'll get some fake ones this weekend.

Looking five years younger is great, but not at work. I have almost 10 years of work experience, and I'm not much farther along than when i quit it all 5 years ago for dance. So the folks who think I'm 26 [and that's where my career is, too] are just about right. But they're not. That was a worthy pursuit and now i have a master's degree and an interesting life story, AND I need to get somewhere in my career. I certainly have the intellect for it. If I can just get through the posturing and politics.

mom's back! and she brought presents

yay!!! Mom's back in town*! I've been having urges to call her, but she's been in Tahiti. that's right. for Lent, my mom went to Tahiti. I can't complain, cause it meant she stopped by for a visit (and was brokenhearted to miss the mags and t neece! seriously. she kept talking about it, you guys). She and Dick played and bought me wine and dinner...and came back with this:

The story of the manual manipulation of vanilla plants. for pollination. also customs. cause our lovely golden state is fierce about ag. imports. So- Momma got herself some black pearls (I asked for none, please), and me A Vanilla Bean.

What makes this, in fact, a fabulous gift is that once i plunk said bean into a bottle of liquor (vodka and rum were Mom's suggestions), I'll have a gigantic bottle of Tahitian Vanilla Extract.

and then we will make cookies!

__

*I'm using "town" loosely here. What I really mean is "in the US".

is it the sunshine?

reading the blogs made me feel good today. extraspecially this one.

i hate the dentist (let's pretend that didn't happen and stay happy). And i love 7am yoga. hugs before work and regular check ins = happiness.

yayyyyyyyy

what should i do?

i want to keep learning guitar and playing in this rock band, cause it rules.

i also want to learn hindi and go to india. and when i'm there i'd like to continue learning (traditional medicine? yoga is so obvious. work on a farming project?)

in the meantime, i should do better at my job. things are weird here now. it's transitional...like a farm...but annoying nonetheless.

and finally, from the sweets of the internets, here's my favorite. I want this guy to come to my house. if you'd like to hire him too, click here.

dude

i'm pretty sure i dreamt about britn3y spe4rs last night

wtf is that??

and something about something adnan and oh! i was at her house. and we went on some bizarre escape trip and got some free makeup (and i think she got clothes, but i was not so chosen) and she ran off and stuff and somehow i got back to the house where there was a party going on and i was exhausted and wrapped in a blanket. anyway, she was cute, so it must have been someone else. real brit is a little gnar-gnar lately. also there was a pretty view. and maybe a kidnap-style van.

another peek into the workings...

mishmash of the culture edition

i've been reading the internet a lot lately. I also cleaned up my desk, got rid of irrelevant crap, and hung out with my parents! they're fun. so are my friends. and my readers. and that new recycling-happy restaurant on 22nd street? delish. the ambiance is weird, the decor is great, and the food is tasty. mostly the salmon, which i'm pretty sure was wild caught and safe to eat and all of it. not like the (barf) farmed salmon i added to my salad at Max's on Tuesday. nope, not at all.

so anyway- back to the internets.

here are some pictures I found, riffs on posters of a movie i'll never see.

dear todd,

because you are my friend and i can't justify buying this for myself, here's what's coming for thirty, um TWO? jesus, my friend, we are old.

at least you have a few months til you and this lil guy live out your DOTage (and thank you for your help reviving my vocabulary).

trying to communicate appropriately

and this doesn't belong on his wall. but ohhhh i have to put it somewhere!

you know what's funny? funny. you know what's not? "maybe."

another bit of goodness

Recycle your beat up sneakers!

I used to just leave them around the closet forever because i was too full of eco guilt to throw them away. No more.

sleeping in

makes everything better. #1 reason for rg bitchiness: sleepiness. sigh.
anyway, sleeping til 845 makes all the diff. and mom's coming to town!

additionally,

mercury'z in retr0grade. as if i needed to tell you.

i was going to blog

something about how hard i'm trying to communicate effectively right now, something about how much i hate something but i can't remember what exactly, and something else [including a dream about ster1ing], but blogg3r's got a scheduled outage. now. see you at the party. (maybe.)

dream update: i ran & told sterling about the explosion- sh*t was going down and I thought he might could do soemthing...i was wearing my cabbage dress, the one i wore to the weddings last summer...he walked us in, wrapped himself around me on the floor, and the building caved. i went hurtling into the destruction with him wrapped around me.

I'm not sure that's what I'm really looking for.

just for the record

i am visiting happyville right now. sure, they drive SUVs and minivans and spend every weekend at the mall (that's where karate is), but the kids and the parents are charming me and simultaneously making me so sad. regretful isn't exactly it, nor can i think of the precise word, but i'm missing the possibility that was that kid.

and i still hope we get that chance again. so there.

relationships are hard

every got-damned last one of em.

even more so when i'm off my game.

___
update: this shit is crazy. i think god is testing me. i hope people go0gle that phrase and find this. not really. i think it's time to go back to @l Anon. i do not seem to know what "normal" is.

i don't need this now...

but i imagine one day i will be back in the world of condoms...and this is where I'm going:

http://www.french-letter.co.uk/

shades of this,

but for real life. oh yes.

and another

my mojo has returned.

i ALSO have a crush on an old dude i met at a c1imate change working group on Wednesday. I just g00gled "guy who invited me to lunch" + "wife"... because he's in a different demographic. which means he's probably married.

!!! no results. !!!

yes yes yes it's on. the mojo i mean. babyboy feels it too- he's calling me (usually it's the text or the in-person, but never the in between), chatting me; he's all over this. AND, finally, i also have birth control. as of 11pm last night (right before we blew a fuse in my flat- coincidence?) my fertility is reined in-- that is, until it's needed again. AMEN.

everything old is new again

getting what i want from mr rightnow. communication, appreciation, affection. An invitation, even! omg.

and: old crush is resurfacing. i'm happy about my unavailability that i might build a friendship in advance of building a fire.

regardless, one more friend with muscles is one more friend with muscles.

i is bitching out

got my period, got my bitch on.

maybe one day i'll be nice- what i really need is to be alone, but i'm soooo scared to be.

blogalot

Things to do:

1) learn guitar (this is an old one)
2) learn Hindi (a new one)
3) meditate e'ery day (borrowed from lots of masters)
4) not get a stabbing pain when i hear about engagements (an anti-blue)

also, continue laughing, eating good stuff (see here for lack of obsession here. amen), and enjoying the neighborhood. and the people who are suddenly in WALKING DISTANCE. can you believe it? i can. and i love it.

new era

these domains have been definitively destroyed and are now
available again for anyone to register.

Thank you for using our services.

=================================================================

Expiration           Creation             Domain
2007-12-08 10:42:03  2004-12-08 10:42:03  THEICEBERGPROJECT.ORG

Not that anyone ever knew about this, but I cared enough about
this string of words to register it 4 years ago.

Now it's all new obsessions!