wow. ok. i'm listening.

last night i decided i was really done with this crap. really. (but sort of like the other times).

today i still could have written. yesterday i deleted him from my phone, but today i could have emailed. i didn't. until tonight, when i came home and wrote "go figure your stuff out. we can have tea, but not really."

at the same moment, Affirmation (from February) called. while we were talking, the filmmaker called. this shit is real. i wasn't ready for those fellas before, so they fell away. but they weren't gone- they just didn't get the cue to call until i was. so now we're back in touch. and my weekend is beyond full. thanks, e'erybody.

and ok, ok- as i drove home, i was making a date with a new one, and i gave mr. nice hands at work my phone number too, but well, those two aren't going anywhere. or something. the point is, last night i wrote and said "i get it. no." and today the doors opened. again. it feels much better this way.

proud mama

these are my babies! aren't they beautiful?



come on over & eat em, cause I can't keep up!

things not to do

1) chocolate-covered almonds [but really anything chocolate-covered] for breakfast
2) health care in america
3) write the boy when you're grumpy at work
4) wish you were married


things that are better:
1) cook at home
2) get enough rest
3) ignore the boy

i think about this

100-mile diet

I think about doing it at least annually. one day, I'm really going to do it. The Smash visited a meat-making place (ranch? butcher? i don't know...) the other day, and DAMN was that bacon good.

for now, I'm getting produce from Eatwell and from My Yard! and eating less processed crap. And nothing from the Starf*cks downstairs!

blogorama tag

I mean, Tag! I'm it, Jon. not you!

1) I totally smoke.
2) When I meet a new person, I think "is it you?" and I try really hard. After 2-3 minutes, I let it go and we have fun.
3) I do not eat enough Indian food.
4) You probably know this, but in the interest of sharing my self-awareness, I have a remarkable ability to say the racially inappropriate thing. It's completely embarrassing. But somehow I can't manage to keep my damn mouth shut!
5) I could probably walk all day long. I probably, have, some days. I like going for a walk with a friend most of all.
6) I have too much debt for as frugally as I feel like I live. It pretty much pisses me off.
7) I like: Big clean looking hands on a man, perky little boobs on a girl.
8) I was really drunk on Saturday.
9) I'm trying damned hard to learn html.
10) I'm going to make myself an arugula salad from my front yard tonight. I grow sweet arugula. Not a bit bitter.

I tag um, Liz.

conflict

plenty of that this weekend. screaming fight walk out of the house confilct, conflicting priorities, and a conflict of a yoga realization ("i haven't met him yet") and that beautiful thing josh (who prefers to be called "Joshua" now) said- just live your life, and when you're doing what makes you happy, they (partner, love) will just show up next to you. cause that's how it felt, as i think about planting the front bed, side by side: good. easy, mutually satisfying. hmph.

i'm doing this monkish thing right now because i need some time. i need to learn about this "growing stuff in your yard" thing, and i need to learn about the "doing a good job at your job" thing too. i do not need to learn more about partner relationships at this moment. right (please!!), god? right.

ohhhh kayyyy. and anyway, the garden got worked out. even if the smash still gave me the cold shoulder when i tried to participate in her section, it's in now. and we can talk about it forever.

oh and maggie, i got your tag. i'll get on that.

I need to let it happen now. I’ve “put it out there” enough, and now I need to let it happen. Let it come to me.

Ahh. That’s better.

(plus- doing it with girls is F u N! I had forgotten how fun. mmm!)

dating- part infinity

I'm doing a lot of dating in 2007. I'm dating a bizarre and fascinating cross section of the US population, putting into practice the old "keep your options open" adage. What's most important to me, I realized, is a series of spiritual/relational characteristics, so in future months I'll provide (hilarious, I hope, or at least amusing) profiles of the weirdos who've shared my space. I also expect I'll keep on finding new ones!

Tonight I'm going for the old standard: white guy, early 30s, artist type, irreverent, chatty. There's no such thing as an old standard for me though, is there? Your comments are appreciated. And so- the field testing continues. Tonight I'm hoping for a home run. heh.

This, just because I think it's funny.
The Awkwardness Survival Guide
Out of habit, you end a phone conversation with "I love you" when not talking to your significant other.

Have no fear: your friend or colleague will probably assume that they heard you wrong, that you were joking, or that you simply misspoke. Calling back and insisting that you didn't mean to tell them you loved them will only make you seem desperate, creepy and cowardly, and the other party will assume that you really are secretly in love with them.

If you're concerned that your colleague took the comment wrong and believes that you're in love with them, you can easily cover your tracks by ending every telephone conversation with "I love you" for the rest of your life. Who knows: you might even get an "I love you" or two back!

i love you!
R

(at gunpoint)

The special K and i got mugged last night. were we in oakland or berkeley? i don't know, but i'm glad that mr anonymous african american youth in a big white T shirt with close-cropped hair [carrying a firearm] didn't find the valium that was in my pocket, cause we needed those. K lost a hunk of cash and a pile of cards. I didn't have anything but my fear to give the kid.

And now I'm scared to park too far from my friend's house (her housemate got jumped not so long ago on the corner). I'm scared to explore those parts of oakland that i still don't know very well, but thought about as I got lost on the way to the pharmacy last week. Now they're mysterious for a reason: because I don't belong, and that'll be enforced.

i want to stay in my car, i want to tint my windows, i am hiding out in my bedroom afraid that someone's breaking in. last week i was telling someone that we often don't lock our front door, that I keep leaving my car unlocked in the street. i was feeling like Berkeley was a small town. A gated community, I told him. i always leave my stereo intact, CDs strewn about inside. and i startle easily anyway. this is not great.

meditation isn't changing that, but i'm burning my sage and doing it anyway. i also, at long last, called my therapist. amen.