liz and i care about our health

After the bbq at Malinda's, we wanted to make sure the beef hadn't hit too hard. Too late.

and again

today i:

put on my own shoes with moderate ease.

took the stairs one at a time, up and down. (with grimace).

took out the trash.

sat for more than an hour at a public event. then i left.

had to leave work early because of an excruciating spasm in my right shoulder.

today i still can't:

disconnect the washing machine from the sink.

open my mouth wide enough to fit a sandwich

reach my face with my left hand: which means i can't apply mousturizer, do my hair, eat with my left hand, or put on lipstick.

carry a bag home from the grocery (2 blocks) without screaming pain in my shoulder.

baby steps. just because i feel "better every day" doesn't mean I "am better."

this is new

today i can walk an almost normal pace.

yesterdy i was on 1/2 gear, the one before even first, where everyone looks at you funny cause why are you walking So Slow when you look totally normal? oh, is that why you're also crying?

last night i rolled over and kissed my lover. softly.

this morning i got up and out of bed, without worrying for 20, 30, 40 minutes, if i would be able to.

I haven't woken up crying for at least three nights.

the thing about Big Pharma is that they are making me feel like myself again. Fun, easy, and able. and i can' thelp but be grateful. so so so grateful. i even washed some clothes last night.

Postscript:
I also trudged home at five pm in tears, knowing i couldn't walk far enough to get to the movie i had hoped to see. and i had to call up for drug delivery, because there was no way i could climb the stairs. but the drugs kicked in over dinner, and then i made it home. and thank god for sexual helaing on top of it all.

asthma

it's a long story, but the homeless "mooing man" has defined my art practice.

in other news, i forgot.

strong back

Arch noticed the other night how strong how ON my back is. she'd never felt a back like that. and i know it's strong and i know it's Because I Dance, and it is part of the reason i am so terrified to take a break.

my knees do not look like each other, one lacks bone definition almost entirely (it's under ice packs now because I love myself), and I've hobbled around all day. so why do i insist on thinking i can go to dance rehearsal tomorrow?

because of my stong back. because of my Hot Thighs and Strong Legs. because i have spent my whole life training my body and maybe i don't agree with all of that training but nonetheless i am so afraid that if i go away from this Dance Work for too long i will lose my Self. that i'll get skinny, undefined calves, that i will lose my awesome presence or posture or my legs won't go anywhere when i try and toss them.

but come on Rebecca. I've quit before, and the rhythms stay in me. i will not lose my body overnight and anyway haven't i lost it already? this is not "me," who hobbles around and has to remind herself not to walk like an old woman. it's not "me" who cries as she walks up (or down) stairs, hanging on the banister.

and maybe if i can give the me who's doing all of this a little time to recover, I'll come back as the me i imagine myself as, the one i'm trying desperately to pretend i still am.

or maybe i'll come back better.

so tomorrow i'm off. i'm sleeping in, i'm reading magazines, i'm "working from home" in bed. and i am giving myself time to heal. i am giving myself an entire week, and then maybe more. we'll see how that goes.

i love you, me.

plans! whee!

ok- here's my plan:

Friday- pick you up, check you into your hotel.
Saturday- pick you up at the hotel (tea? depending on the
time), ride the light rail to the Beach!!!

hang out. lunch at the cliff house/beach chalet/chinese
land,
walk back through Golden Gate Park- chekc out Nature's
Pharmacy exhibit at the Conservatory of Flowers.

Dance/Theater show? dessert at the weirdo hippie place? go
home. sleeeeeep

Sunday- Here Lies Jenny matinee? shopping? happy hour/6-ish
open house at Ti Couz with all my friends stopping by (i
hope).

Monday- what are your needs here? need a ride to the
airport? or are you renting a car?

i'm so excited!
love
rebecca

the Ugly Real section- god, guys, it's just Art

oh yesss! now that the grrls have seen each other. scoped each other out, kissed, run, fucked themselves over and come back to something tasty, now that they've even danced happily together and been up & down & around, it's time for the ugly real of everyday.

malinda will run away one more time. while she's gone, isabelle will spiral into her own shit, fall, and wallow in it.

then malinda comes back and helps her out. and they have some fun, until malinda falls into her old shit. and isabelle isn't sure she wants to deal with that. but she does. and so on.

and eventually, they both fall, and climb up together, and can dance harder now that they have the vocabulary of the bullshit. because after all, that shit brings you closer. and that is fucked up and real and whoa. and thank god for my real life muse.

(it's also what's been missing as my dancers have been thowing themselves into the initial stages, but shouldn't, god help us, get into these later stages, at least not for a long time. which is why i'm the choreographer, and why this is not a collaborative structure. and why process rules.)

and thank god[dess] for fucking gay ass al anon. that shit is annoying. that shit is dopey, and that shit really helps.

whats going on

i was the golden child, the spoiled only girl, mom's confidante and closest friend, i had a tower room with flowery wallpaper and my mom all my own. and then she married this sad man with a sad, haunted house, and sad, haunted, addcited children, and i was the weird one. i was not the popular girl i had been a year prior, i was the outsider. i was trying to be someone but i didn't know who that person was.

and then when i was 21, after ten years of trying, and some drug use and eating disorders and promiscuity, my body quit, and started attacking itself.

and i looked really hot for a summer, except that i hobbled.

so six years later, as i try and rid myself of this monster, i am starting starting barely beginning to find the seed of it.

and mom is coming to visit me, and remind me that i'm still that golden girl i was.

oh the email psycho profiles

i miss you! thanks for calling- i'll try and catch you this
week, sweetheart. xooxxooxoxoxo

--- ej bott <socialgal7@gmail.com> wrote:

> 1. First Name: Rebecca
> 2. Were you named after anyone? No. I was the compromise
between "roberta" and "mabel"
> 3. Do you wish on stars? not so much anymore.
> 4. When did you last cry? yesterday- 6:30-7:30pm.
luckily mom was on the phone with me for a lot of it.
> 5. Do you like your handwriting? when i can hold a pen
> 8. What is your most embarrassing moment? Probably when i
was trying really hard to be awesome in dance class and my
teacher was telling a story about when she had just arrived
in New York and the director looked at her and said "What
is your name!?!" and i yelled "Rebecca!"
> 10. How do you release anger? by crying or giving the
silent treatment or, more often, hiding. ugh
> 11. Where is your second fantasy home? in the desert! the
hill country of Texas, maybe.
12. Do you trust others easily? Hell no. you gotta prove it
to me
> 13. What was your favorite toy as a child? hmmm my June
the Bride doll? freaky.
> 16. Are you sarcastic a lot? not so much, actually! I am
quite earnest.
> 17. Your nicknames? superstar! and the bastardized
RebStar
> 18. Would you bungee jump? um, no. i am not retarded, nor
do i want to be.
> 20. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? ice cream is
on the Big No list.
> 21. Shoe Size? 8
> 22. Red/pink? Red
> 23. What is the worst thing about yourself? The hiding.
and the fruitless silent treatment i give my friends. They
don't usually notice, cause sometimes i just hide and it's
not related to anything.
> 24. Who do you miss most? my mom, who's too far away, &
dad, who's not coming back
> 28. Last thing you ate? my naturopath-prescribed smoothie
of berries, magic powder, green powder, flax oil &
acidophilus. it's really very tasty.
> 29. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
something between pea and chartreuse green.
> 30. What is the weather like right now? hot!! heavenly
> 31. Last person you talked to on the phone? Liz, who tucked me in last night
> 32. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
they're not girls .
> 39. Name of Favorite Childhood Pet? Ginger. or Stick, the
doberman with floppy ears
gt; 45. Favorite Dessert? good question. gotta think about
that one. now that the cookies and ice cream are out of the
picture, maybe strawberries (or whatever's dripping ripe)
and some yogurt. mostly no dessert for me.
> 49. What are you reading? Salman Rushdie "The Ground
Beneath Her Feet" Awesome.
> 52. What are your favorite Smells? Liz, cinnamon, roses
> 53. The farthest you've been from home? morocco
> 54. Most important quality in a friend? calls me.

email thunder

for your messages. and for the weather report.

your FEElings don't ever get old. i am flipping out a
little about this weekend and what it is and how good it
might could be, but i am realy really really excited to see
you.

really really really excited. i'm at a loss for anything
more clear to say. but this happening totally freaks me
out. so sorry if i turn weird. it sort of goes with the
territory, even as i'm trying to deal with what it is to
feel stuff. we can work that out together, maybe.

ok,

love
rebecca

dude

i totally hooked up in a not-particularly hot, totally set
up, totally opportunistic way last night and i keep
thinking about it, and getting all hot.

like, i'm smelling her, i'm flashing back, i'm thinking
"wow." even though when it was going on it seemed like a
whole lot of "eh."

i mean, i'm exaggerating the "eh"-ness, but wierd. cause i
was checked OUT, even as I was sort of watching and moaning
and "mmm"ing. and she left kinda weird, kinda unexpectedly,
without her tshirt, and i'ma see her tonight and i kind of
feel weird. hrm?

Yahoo! Mail
Stay connected, organized, and protected. Take the tour:
http://tour.mail.yahoo.com/mailtour.html

secret

i tried, again, to give this url to someone and again she promptly forgot (or erased) it.

which is now the third, or maybe fourth, time i've tried [to no avail] to go a little public. so i guess this is just for me and that's how i need it.

i am such a fucking pollyanna.

crying on mission street (alone)

i didn't want to throw a fit, but i totally had to becuase she was my bestest friend and then she vanished and i feel like an annoying kid sister who just tags along, who doesn't get her own dates. and she said it's true, she's been spending time in the wrong places and she's sorry and she loves me and takes me for granted and i said i have been so alone.

i cried on my bike and i cried on the elliptical trainer and i want to cry a lot and i haven't been telling anyone because my relationships have been so crunched lately, even as my schedule has become so very open.

i opened it up and vacancy filled it. not calm, not peace, but emptiness. sadness, crying. and i even started to eat wrong -not the wrong things, but definitely in the wrong way- and that's not where i want to be at all.

so i pitched a tiny fit and then i started crying on the street with the throwback ska boys looking at me and then she came over and i said i need you a lot and i feel like i get the shaft and that is crap. i also said "don't touch me" and then "now can i have a hug." and then i called and said sometimes i make bad decisions will you please stop me when i'm going to do that and she got it. and i think jen got it too and maggie and they are really nice.

it's so hard to have to work at every relationship. to have to know all the time what i want and what i need and what i have to ask for and what i have to let go. even my fucking mother doesn't call me. and i've asked for that 1000 times.

what the FUCK keeps me going?

hello, hot

in case you are reading this, in case you did remember. hi. i miss you. you are gorgeous and i cannot wait to fly all day long to spend two nights and two days in your sunshining state.

delicious lover of mine.

pendulum

and now i am awake at 2am and i fell asleep at 6:30pm and i hurt so bad.

my hands don't bend all the way and my medicine is on backorder and i need my medicine because i am not yet healed. and i am sort of afraid that this lapse will take me back to square 2, or 3, far from the advanced state i was in.

dammit.

and i miss her soooo badly and i want so badly to kiss her and feel her hands, her fist, her everything, and to wake up and roll over to her, or find her wrapped around me. this stuffed gorilla is not having the desired effect.

i wish the free time i had was concentrated into days, instead of these infernal empty evenings. and that i had already written the CA$H application.

awesome

the show was great. packed houses both nights and most of my friends flaked. which means- awesome. huge love great responses great after parties, no one went home alone.

this is the best most loving beautiful present engaged cast ever.

we have $2500 coming. what are we gonna do with $2500? We are going to travel, dammit.

we are going to get reviews from faraway places, because we have a kick ass name and we are from San Francisco. and that has cachet. i think. anyway, we're good. we're really good, and we haven't even rehearsed that much. what will happen if we rehearsed? awesome.

i am crying like miss america i am so awed and thrilled and elated. we can pay everyone a lot of money and we can still go camping and to nawlins. or somewhere. and jared will make the money go so far, and i can just make dances.

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

_____

also, that beautiful bit of candy who calms me and loves me so right and kisses me perfectly and sings so sweet isn't gonna be gone for so long as she thought she would be. which is fucking brilliant, because i missed her bad. i still do, really, but now that it's not an eternity that she's leaving for everything is so much better.

____

also, for god's sake, i did my laundry. and that makes everything brilliant. what should we do in rehearsal tomorrow? we have a showing on sunday! crap. what should we do? add a rehearsal! of course!

love.

____

maybe we should just use the money to all get tattoos. sweet jesus. love love love.

here is the title!

for my gay "love duet" it is...........

Fine. [stomps off]

can you help but love it? no.

friends

my brilliant friend Carrie wrote this (in response to the bullshit below) to me the other day.

"People are way fuckin complicated...and most people really don't know
or understand themselves enough to communicate clearly to another human being. perhaps because she is scared or worried about drinking or whatever she has been acting out to create drama as a distraction or as a way of getting some need met...who knows...sometimes as we know people better we see what they do or understand their patterns better, but the subtext is always more of what is really going on and you just need tools to get to that place faster and not be in drama which usually has nothing to do w/nothing...as long as 2-people can be conscious of that effort and do their best towards it it is usually pretty groovy and never perfect which is groovy in its own right."

carrie is the cutest. and smart, too. like all my family.

one more time

dear you,

i like you a lot. i totally fell for you and i think, in spite of all of it, that you're pretty damn good for me. you tricked me into opening my heart and letting you in, and i'm so glad. this is the cheesiest love song ever.

the thing is, i know you have a lot of shit to work through, and i want to be supportive, and i want to be encouraging, and i don't really exactly know how to do that without feeling nagg-y or like your icky wife.

cause you got one of those to get over (or whatever) already. i am not trying to jump into that hole in your lifestyle.

so that's why sometimes it feels kinda cold over here, and why i'm not jumping to nurse you back to health after a fucking binge, sniffling on the phone. please.

so go, get better, do it. i'm behind you (hm) and all for it, cause i still have the same story- i think you're wonderful. i want you to be able to live it, and if it means you go far away, fine. but not if you just go far away in your mind, cause i am not trying to be the one who punishes you when you regain consciousness.

that's your business.

this message is a lot harder than i meant it to be. huh.

hm. yeah what is this?

i have to start making a new dance. on tuesday. well, today, in fact, and then i have to teach it to my favorite girl performers starting tuesday. at 9:30am. in berkeley. jesus.

so i made up some moves, and i played the music over and over, but what the hell is this dance about. i think it's about giving in. about not wanting to, like, at all, and sucking it up and giving it up to somebody.

sooo gay.

cause i made the one dance, about "everything i think is nice is fucked."
and then the next dance was "i keep committing to fucked up shit and it sucks and i am over it."
and so this one, the coda that brings the two "characters" together, is about working within that knowledge. that fine everything is fucked, and even if i commit myself to this it might just suck and let me down and fuck it fine i am diving in anyway. handing over the reins to someone else (who may be doing the same thing in which case who is driving this thing?? and i love that idea the most), throwing up my hands, ripping open my heart, going for it.

here i am baby. come and take me. or, that is, here i am baby, take that. take this, and this and this. fine.

[stomps off]

juxtaposition

this show i saw last night made me really uncomfortable. and really appreciative, of the artists' openness, rawness, vulnerability- but in the end it made me feel sad. it made me feel like the world is kind of sad, like we are all a little doomed like is this the only way to find wholeness? to subject audiences to your shedding skin?

cause i really hate that feeling. i really hate being reminded. i really need to be affirmed when i make good choices (like going to jon sims to support emerging artists who are cute), and i don't like being told that my mother's going to disappear, that i'm going to stub my toe when i'm dancing.

todd has pneumonia, archana's mom is so sick that arch is going to visit, and dwayne is getting alternately sicker and louder. there is enough reason to be sad, okay, and so fuck art that makes you sad too. fuck it for real.

except when i'm sad because some bitch is pulling drama and i can't add all my stupid credit card balances to one big 0% card, even for 6 months, and i really need to listen to some sad music. i think music is a different thing, because like reading, it can be sooo private. here is a song i wrote, listen to it in your private space. here is a book i wrote, you may never see my face beyond my dust jacket.

but performance is let me invade your day, let me exist and share your air, let me take you out of the beautiful weather and tell you something. all i'm saying is if that's what i'm asking, i had better have something good to share.

so there. thank you for being my friend.

in other news

i took a little two day trip to reno and it was super fun. i took two days off computer jobs to live out my dancer job and it rocked. driving with sweet people who rock and have great music, dancing and drinking yummy acai juice and working out and eating some more before we danced a lot more.

i love this shit. thank you jesus for it.

here's some news

i am too tired for blogging, but apparently i'm too tired for sleeping too, and have let my appetite be ignored for far too long. i need to learn, see, about regulating my blood sugar. i am way too familiar with the feeling of hunger lately. so familiar i don't really even feel it until i get really tired, really grumpy, really pissed off fatalistic depressed.

i know this because a banana, or a cracker with cheese, or a burger, sometimes, can make me a new, energized woman. and i have to wonder if the depression i went through in high school, in addition to having not a clue about my soul (which isn't true, rebecca, give yourself some credit) may have been integrally linked to the anorexia/sugar binging i made my lifestyle.

and so here we are, congested, sniffling, losing weight and pissed at the girl for getting drunk and fucking somebody who has more fun and less schedule than i do, cranky because she called off tonight. because that was my job. god, woman, get a grip. and a meal plan that's just a little better.

love

thank you

for telling me about what's going on in your world and in your head. for being delicious, for telling me eventually and gently to shut up, and for holding me and being held all through our sleep.

i'm in. i'm pretty sure you are too, it's so hot.

dear liz

i'm sorry that i got sad and scared when i realized i am still sharing your heart. mostly, i'm sorry i took it out on you in the way i fucked you so poorly.

yeah. i'm still working on that. maybe it would have been better to say the "is it over?" "who'd you mean by 'we'?" instead of swallowing it, and getting cranky in bed.

it's just, i'm falling, and i was hoping it might be a soft landing.

oh annie

when i said let's get together it's true i was talking sexy, but that's just cause we have that good backand forth with the terse hot sentences and stuff. i didn't actually mean i wanted to make out, even if i you did look hot in your new designer jeans. maybe if we're alone on a stage again though. . .

postscript/soundtrack loop:

What's your answer Johhaahhaahhn? Are ya gonna coh-uhuhm? For the cooooolest hAHttest coolest hottest....
(I love you, Bob Fosse.)

dude, it still hurts

so many things are happening and in spite of it all i'm trying to be sort of unconscious. not on purpose. that's the best part. it's a subconscious decision to remain unconscious as my total life is reorganized.

+ + +

for instance, i am seeing a naturopath and have comepltely quit my Big Pharma medications. Going on three weeks (is that all? but yeah, it is. daily intake of 4-6 mega tylenol makes a big difference when you quit), and my diet is different too. for instance, tonight i wanted to binge out on cookie dough but luckily hadn't a penny to buy it, and nothing in the house to make it with. add to that the fact of wheat flour and sugar in the ingredients and i knew dough would murder the rest of my work. i had some chocoalte chips but they tasted like nothing. nothing. wow. so i ate most of a bag of tortilla chips and a can of pineapple. weird, but not completely toxic. or even genetically modified.

i am also eating whole foods the rest of my life. it is tremendous. i drink only the slightest nips of whiskey (only two weeks on this one), which is a great relief to my liver, i can imagine. it is something of a strain on my imagination, which craves that familiar burn in my throat and fire in my skull. i am trying to deal.

i take my "medicine" (in smoothie and juice form) and i woke in the night unable to place my arm in a position that didn't cause actual pain in my elbow, while i lay on an aching shoulder. in yoga my foot gave out in a standing posture; i had to bend that knee and rest. it was a thigh workout position and my toes gave. i can't do chattaranga because my shoulders are scared. they feel strong; they feel intact; and they feel scared. like maybe this will be the time they give, and i'll slam my face into the floor, strained in every rotator.

+ + + and i look serious when i sleep, even as friendly as i am to molestation. i make sweet sounds and roll into the advance, then go back to my serious face. when i'm not wincing, trying to find a safe, if not entirely lusciously comfortable, alignment. i look serious a lot, i think, as i run into people on the street and feel that dramatic difference between the face i made before and after seeing friends. i am serious, i guess, underneath. god help me if i ever stay that way for too long. like when i go hide away on a ranch one day, with only a typewriter and reams of paper and postage stamps. (Please someone send me away like that one day.) + + +

i am trying to get my 20 minutes of sun every day and i am succeeding tremendously. i am trying to remember to soak in salts and get deep sweating for detoxification. maybe i'll go to osento because i couldn't sauna after my long rehearsal yesterday. i am not remembering to pray, i am not eating and only eating when it's time, i am reading the paper i am playing scrabble i am thinking about policiy and war and social security. i have lit incense to calm myself. i am wearing sandalwood, and it feels good. i am speaking my mind and getting rid of crap, some of it, from my house. i am holding onto some anger at my moochy roommate.

+ + +

i am sharing beds with a ownderful woman who looks like a sweet sweet boi when she's dressed, and like a darling sweet girl when she's naked (except when she straps it on, but then i'm not looking). i like her a lot and she likes me and that is wonderful. i can go on a date with anyone tomorrow and that would be fine, i could also show up at her house and it would be delicious. she is a wonderufl treat, and we are trying to make our lives something and i am somehow managing to not completely bail when she has needs. i am doing pretty well. i took her a flower, even, and a salad, in case she didn't have time or resources to make the dinner i needed. i like her and she likes me. we agree on that.

we also agree, and this is the part that rocks my socks, that because we like and enjoy and sleep with one another, we do not have to commit to one another. and that is the revolution.

+ + +

i really want to make a dance that goes like this:
1) isabelle does astroturf
2) malinda does anticipation
3) together they do cubs in five and something else. soemthing i thought of yesterday or maybe today and now i can't think of it, but it is good, and it is what is now.

i love working with them!!!! they rule. i love this piece, and how big it is and how the sections keep coming and how we don't know how to fit them all together, and that i am working with sarah who is amazing and carrie who is the most supportive eager amazing beautiful ever. she looked like my mom today, in a really hot way (because my mom is totally beautiful), but i didn't want to tell her that because, well, who wants to hear "you look really nice today- you look like me mom"? no one.

+ + +

so i have now checked in, a lot, and think i might be able to sleep. sweet sweet unconscious.

yum, iceplant

i woke to the sounds of little kids and the smell of pancakes, with a delicious girl around me. then i smelled fresh air, went to the beach, ran through a rushing river as it dumped itself into the ocean, ran along the shore, washed my feet and hands in the water. I climbed rocks and laid in the sun, i took off my shirt in the daylight.

this delicious woman raced me, ran in the river, started the rock climbing, grabbed me for wonderful kisses in the tide. she held when i jumped her.

we fucked in the iceplant, the ocean panorama surrounding us, the sun shining bright on my face. god damn.

we ate girl scout cookies in the car and walked out the shaky bridge to see the ancient lighthouse. we kissed and looked at the city and told stories and stayed quiet and held hands and i love today.

holla!

dude, the bi rite fantasy girl is going to be my friend and friendster, i am master cleansing myself, i have ditched the super talented girl who gave me eating disorders and claustrophobia, and i'm going to reconnect with my ex, in a safe friendly friends place.

i'm also going to end the weekend with a harness, and i hope, something to put in it. and then the week will roll in so spectaculalry, and the ides of march will have nothin on me.

you can find yourself in a lot of places

you don't have to go to a meeting and you don't have to pay any admission and you don't have to really do any one thing in particular except ask. like you know, say hello. say how are you rebecca, and maybe or maybe not listen for an answer and if not that's okay, because some sort of intelligence will come. intelligence like, "hey the washer drain hose is lying on the kitchen floor." and that's important information too. Like whoa.

pickle

i was literally in a pickle last night and it's so clear soemtimes and most of the time it's not. it's so delicious, all the time, no matter who's there and that is the thing about bittersweet, that i can like them so much individually and know all the same that it's going to end somehow, and it's going to hurt.

SINGLE

I was afraid (with good reason) that I was going to fall into another relationship, and find myself all coupled, accidentally.

But that's not gonna happen. nope. i am single and i like the women and i am staying single. bam. so much for profundity.

loan

i am paying the first installment of my student loans tomorrow. who's a grownup?

i have been sick for five days and i am over it. maybe i should like go to the doctor, if there were more hours in the day.

the spaces between the letters seem a little arbitrary, and mutable. like they're dancing about and i shouldn't stare at them too long.

things start to change when your head is occupied bya surfeit of regular fluids. they take on characteristics of foreign substances, and it's not all right.

+ + + +

romance. enough said.

(we should discuss it later)

i belive in god

because i just had dinner with a fucking postmodern superstar of dance and he told me that he's crazy but even more that merce is bad and he smiled when i told him aobut my work and i told him that my dad died and that i was in denial.

and i had a chicken salad and he had chicken soup and we talked about insanity and control and letting go and growing up and he lined up the salt and the sugar and his water glass and told me to say hi to anne.

and i did not go out with either one of the cute girls and i did not return one's message, just yet, and i have a mud masque to take off last nights kiss pimples (right where someone else's nose hits) and i am at home and the water is boiling and there is a fresh cloth from Ghana for me and i am doing the right thing and this is all just falling right into place.

i know myself more than yesterday and i am going to remember to pray.

ringtones

i'm thinking about downloading the catchy "L word" theme song to my cell phone, and that I'm not allowed to look at the thing all day tomorrow.

i should cheeck in with maurizio. i am so so so broke.

i am paying one credit card with another tomorrow, praying that one of my wee paychecks will clear in time to pay the other bills on thursday. thank god i thought of that. thank god for showers when there's less than no time.

courtney.

and in conclusion

i am going to meetings on a regular basis. maybe i'll even call someone some day.

yay

i went to dance class today.

i stayed for an hour and a half, and would have stayed the whole time except for i was blowing off work and i checked my voicemail at the break. crappy. i threw myself on the floor and jumped up and i even did a few grande plies. whoa.

maybe it's because liz makes my body go right.

maybe it's because hilary is training my body to be okay.

maybe it's because i didn't sleep enough to get too stiff.

maybe it's because sometimes things are sort of okay.

* * *

i'm so excited to get started with this beautiful cast. god they're so talented and smart and good. i am so honored to work with them, and so thrilled to have them at my 'disposal.' and to have such brilliant, together, smart, cool collaborators. who toss out ideas over lunch, weird visions and half-formed idea babies, and we play with them and get all amped from em.

* * *

also, i am glad to know that i am not looking for anyone new (or other) to sex up. i am at peace knowing that i am a hot individual and do not need another sexual partner. i need fillings in my teeth and chemo drugs and not more sex from a stranger. or a hot friend's roommate. ahem.

manifest this~!

it's begun. i asked for more money, i asked for a job i wanted. i announced "i'm really good at it" and i will have more of it. and then i asked for more money.

i sent out an announcement and said "there will be pay" and also "please give me money." i am shameless, i am free.

(i will lower our bills, btw, cause that will help too)

i am still single, and i am a little bit lonely. my general partner in crime has been out of town, which is a pretty big factor, but she's not the only reason.

i am jealous of partnered people right now, and i don't really want a partner myself, somehow. it's a weird in between place, a place i know i need to hang with, be in, live, right now. i feel so surely that i could manifest a partner if it was really what i wanted, and at the same time i know that the right partner is not here right now.

this shit is heavy. and bright like the moon.

feLIZ

happy new year.

happy happy happy new year splashing through the puddles i took off my shoes and walked down valencia street in my sopping socks, but that wasn't so good. i washed my feet i wrote poems i made a friend i am going to take a nap.