i didn't want to throw a fit, but i totally had to becuase she was my bestest friend and then she vanished and i feel like an annoying kid sister who just tags along, who doesn't get her own dates. and she said it's true, she's been spending time in the wrong places and she's sorry and she loves me and takes me for granted and i said i have been so alone.
i cried on my bike and i cried on the elliptical trainer and i want to cry a lot and i haven't been telling anyone because my relationships have been so crunched lately, even as my schedule has become so very open.
i opened it up and vacancy filled it. not calm, not peace, but emptiness. sadness, crying. and i even started to eat wrong -not the wrong things, but definitely in the wrong way- and that's not where i want to be at all.
so i pitched a tiny fit and then i started crying on the street with the throwback ska boys looking at me and then she came over and i said i need you a lot and i feel like i get the shaft and that is crap. i also said "don't touch me" and then "now can i have a hug." and then i called and said sometimes i make bad decisions will you please stop me when i'm going to do that and she got it. and i think jen got it too and maggie and they are really nice.
it's so hard to have to work at every relationship. to have to know all the time what i want and what i need and what i have to ask for and what i have to let go. even my fucking mother doesn't call me. and i've asked for that 1000 times.
what the FUCK keeps me going?
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