it's all beyond comprehension

i ran into a friend at a show yesterday and i was so freaked out i couldn't even look at her.

then her girlfriend kissed me hello and asked for help with her dress and i thought "wow. really? thank god." because i really missed them, but because of the troubles with the one, i thought maybe they were out of my friend loop forevers.

and then after the show, they both came over and hugged me hello and we laughed a lot. a lot. and it was really nice. but it's hard to tell what motivations are, and so i hedged my bets with "show etiquette" and went on my way, all nostalgic.

and then she wrote me in the chat box today and i was afraid to read it and it was totally nice and i think we are ok.

and that is two in a week for old friends with awkward silences that are clearing up.

sometimes life is just too much to understand and i just have to breathe and be grateful and sometimes, you know, just miss the train because i went back for my lipstick. and let it all fall into place.

N4omi Watts has my high chair

see?

WOW!

baby "peach" was born this morning. we had just gathered to give anjie all of those final items- a changing table pad, a car seat, loads of darling clothes...and the next morning her water broke.

anjie gave birth almost exactly one month "early" of her due date.

when i found out Anj was preggers, i felt awful- she was stronger and better than i was, she could take an accident and make it hers. i was pregnant at the time, but found out weeks later. she and i have found strength in each other through this weird time. discussing baby dad's involvement, hopes, fears, etc etc etc.

so the fact that anjie moved in with her married friends on the same day i did, and that anj and i are taking similar if not exact maternity leaves, is putting the fear of god in me right now.

i would enjoy an excuse to quit working, but i have a lot of prep to do before this baby comes. last night i found myself a little rudderless, so it's time to make a list:

re-upholster that great bassinet. paint it too?
inventory baby clothes from the Gabors
wash the car seat/stoller linens
ditto baby bouncers
list for announcements
baby shower
birth prep class- get both coaches in there? crossing fingers....
baby CPR class.

Dear. I am busy again, eh? Thanks, Anj, for paving the way.

i recommend

you save your money and skip "burn after reading"

oh. my. god.

i cannot focus. i am missing deadlines and dropping balls at work and i cannot manage to get it together.

what would it take to take the next 6 months off?

well, if i get some of salary for some of that time, if I could have another $10-15K and a big new bed (or another $3k to buy it), I think I could swing it.

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

if one more person

asks how i am feeeeeling, i will punch that person in the face.

especially in response to a completely different story:

me: i was in a show! look, my picture's in the paper!

other person: cool! how are you feeeeeeeling?

me: [POW!] how are YOU feeling?

there are only a few people i like talking about that with, and those get it unsolicited. buzz off, coworkers and distant family members.

are you feeling me?

i'm going into hiding

it sucks when that feeling corresponds with a performance. the only one for a long time. but i feel like i don't have much to give anymore, and i feel like a lame ass boring person when i try and socialize.

so i'm hiding out.

things are going to be fine.

sometimes i also get excited that baby's dad is a-ok

i know it's dangerous. but it sure feels good to get all hopeful about this genetic mashup.

"don't forget to buy art for the baby." i love telling him that, too.

my new favorite thing is going home

that's all. it's really nice.