oh. my. god.

i cannot focus. i am missing deadlines and dropping balls at work and i cannot manage to get it together.

what would it take to take the next 6 months off?

well, if i get some of salary for some of that time, if I could have another $10-15K and a big new bed (or another $3k to buy it), I think I could swing it.

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

if one more person

asks how i am feeeeeling, i will punch that person in the face.

especially in response to a completely different story:

me: i was in a show! look, my picture's in the paper!

other person: cool! how are you feeeeeeeling?

me: [POW!] how are YOU feeling?

there are only a few people i like talking about that with, and those get it unsolicited. buzz off, coworkers and distant family members.

are you feeling me?

i'm going into hiding

it sucks when that feeling corresponds with a performance. the only one for a long time. but i feel like i don't have much to give anymore, and i feel like a lame ass boring person when i try and socialize.

so i'm hiding out.

things are going to be fine.

i forgot my camera

and i'm spotting

and the sky is STILL gray

and the woman next to me is So Dumb

you know when you lie in your bed, first thing in the morning, thinking how delicious a little caffeine will be, that it's going to be a rocky start.

I have brewed some green tea. Things will brighten soon, dammit!

__
Postscript 10:54am- things are better already. improvements all around, except for the camera issue. there's always tomorrow. amen!

top two

Top two comments since going public. The first comes from single men, the second from all walks.

1) Whoa. You know, I got a girl pregnant once.
I usually just let this one settle so that the speaker can feel his foot in his mouth.

2) You look great!
I try to take this one at face value. It has had the various effects of making me feel completely weird and completely great, depending on the speaker.

And then I go and get some fruit. And a lot of other things, and I eat them, because baby's hungry!

i am trying

to fight for myself and my health

to take care of this baby

and to stay a beautiful being

it's hard.

but i have good influences all around and dear god i am grateful. i am also reaching out in all kinds of ways to try and get what i need and that is something new and wonderful and i am digging it the most.

thank you, yous.

side effects, part 1000

runny nose, sneezing
piercing headaches
giant boobs
bizarre tastes
dizziness
exhaustion
"digestive distress"

and i thought it was just a bummer to not fit into your clothes.

do you think women gloss over this part because they're so darned excited to be in on the life cycle? or is it that i haven't known many pregnant women? am i more in touch with the delicate balance around here? or am i just more of a complainer?

regardless, blech. week 16, here we come. i thought the sick part was supposed to be over by now.

i used to be interesting

now i have two obsessions, and they're really only interesting to a limited audience.

in an effort to revive some of my liveliness, i finagled my way into a fancy dance show this fall. How'm I gonna remodel my house NOW?

wearing gramma's opal

i met with a friend last night with whom i've basically fallen out of touch. i read her blog, and comment occasionally, but for the most part we're in separate worlds. except that in the past few months our lives have taken some sudden turns and dumped us on very similar and surprising paths.

we shared burritos last night (well, she had nachos) and couldn't believe how similarly it's all shaken out. there was a lot of solace in hearing her stories of shame and excitement and confusion and fear. cause they're a lot like mine and how freakin weird man.

i also couldn't help noticing the beautiful gems we were both wearing on our left ring fingers (hers looked like emeralds, mine is mostly opal). i don't know if it was a fashion coincidence or a conscious choice on each of our parts to separate ourselves from the 'single' mob, and i didn't have the heart to ask. it was day one for me, too experimental to discuss.

i'm wearing it again today, and it's beautiful. i've been waiting for the time when i could wear it and feel right. thanks, grandma.

(ps i looked online for a representative picture because i don't have one of this particular ring just yet. they all pale so i won't taint your vision with a fake. <3)

it's the new style

it's weird thinking about gaining weight, when you've spent most of your life being borderline anorexic (not that you'd know) and both healthily and not healthfully obsessed with food.

all of my paranoias about hormones and pesticides are through the roof now. my body, paradoxically, is giving me messages like "hot dog NOW." and "those donuts will make me feel better." and it's/i'm right. but today i've gone back to most of the old ways, organic, with flax oil, fresh, whole. it feels good. and i'll have the donut later.

so freaking weird. i may never do this again (an old/new again friend reminded me), so i may as well do it consciously. quit with the fire breathing yoga yesterday, at least temporarily, and while i felt like a pussy and a quitter, the new class was just right for my energy level and body-centered paranoia. so amen for that.

in other news, i slept through the night. does the fascinating news never cease??