i belive in god

because i just had dinner with a fucking postmodern superstar of dance and he told me that he's crazy but even more that merce is bad and he smiled when i told him aobut my work and i told him that my dad died and that i was in denial.

and i had a chicken salad and he had chicken soup and we talked about insanity and control and letting go and growing up and he lined up the salt and the sugar and his water glass and told me to say hi to anne.

and i did not go out with either one of the cute girls and i did not return one's message, just yet, and i have a mud masque to take off last nights kiss pimples (right where someone else's nose hits) and i am at home and the water is boiling and there is a fresh cloth from Ghana for me and i am doing the right thing and this is all just falling right into place.

i know myself more than yesterday and i am going to remember to pray.

ringtones

i'm thinking about downloading the catchy "L word" theme song to my cell phone, and that I'm not allowed to look at the thing all day tomorrow.

i should cheeck in with maurizio. i am so so so broke.

i am paying one credit card with another tomorrow, praying that one of my wee paychecks will clear in time to pay the other bills on thursday. thank god i thought of that. thank god for showers when there's less than no time.

courtney.

and in conclusion

i am going to meetings on a regular basis. maybe i'll even call someone some day.

yay

i went to dance class today.

i stayed for an hour and a half, and would have stayed the whole time except for i was blowing off work and i checked my voicemail at the break. crappy. i threw myself on the floor and jumped up and i even did a few grande plies. whoa.

maybe it's because liz makes my body go right.

maybe it's because hilary is training my body to be okay.

maybe it's because i didn't sleep enough to get too stiff.

maybe it's because sometimes things are sort of okay.

* * *

i'm so excited to get started with this beautiful cast. god they're so talented and smart and good. i am so honored to work with them, and so thrilled to have them at my 'disposal.' and to have such brilliant, together, smart, cool collaborators. who toss out ideas over lunch, weird visions and half-formed idea babies, and we play with them and get all amped from em.

* * *

also, i am glad to know that i am not looking for anyone new (or other) to sex up. i am at peace knowing that i am a hot individual and do not need another sexual partner. i need fillings in my teeth and chemo drugs and not more sex from a stranger. or a hot friend's roommate. ahem.

manifest this~!

it's begun. i asked for more money, i asked for a job i wanted. i announced "i'm really good at it" and i will have more of it. and then i asked for more money.

i sent out an announcement and said "there will be pay" and also "please give me money." i am shameless, i am free.

(i will lower our bills, btw, cause that will help too)

i am still single, and i am a little bit lonely. my general partner in crime has been out of town, which is a pretty big factor, but she's not the only reason.

i am jealous of partnered people right now, and i don't really want a partner myself, somehow. it's a weird in between place, a place i know i need to hang with, be in, live, right now. i feel so surely that i could manifest a partner if it was really what i wanted, and at the same time i know that the right partner is not here right now.

this shit is heavy. and bright like the moon.

feLIZ

happy new year.

happy happy happy new year splashing through the puddles i took off my shoes and walked down valencia street in my sopping socks, but that wasn't so good. i washed my feet i wrote poems i made a friend i am going to take a nap.