whats going on

i was the golden child, the spoiled only girl, mom's confidante and closest friend, i had a tower room with flowery wallpaper and my mom all my own. and then she married this sad man with a sad, haunted house, and sad, haunted, addcited children, and i was the weird one. i was not the popular girl i had been a year prior, i was the outsider. i was trying to be someone but i didn't know who that person was.

and then when i was 21, after ten years of trying, and some drug use and eating disorders and promiscuity, my body quit, and started attacking itself.

and i looked really hot for a summer, except that i hobbled.

so six years later, as i try and rid myself of this monster, i am starting starting barely beginning to find the seed of it.

and mom is coming to visit me, and remind me that i'm still that golden girl i was.

oh the email psycho profiles

i miss you! thanks for calling- i'll try and catch you this
week, sweetheart. xooxxooxoxoxo

--- ej bott <socialgal7@gmail.com> wrote:

> 1. First Name: Rebecca
> 2. Were you named after anyone? No. I was the compromise
between "roberta" and "mabel"
> 3. Do you wish on stars? not so much anymore.
> 4. When did you last cry? yesterday- 6:30-7:30pm.
luckily mom was on the phone with me for a lot of it.
> 5. Do you like your handwriting? when i can hold a pen
> 8. What is your most embarrassing moment? Probably when i
was trying really hard to be awesome in dance class and my
teacher was telling a story about when she had just arrived
in New York and the director looked at her and said "What
is your name!?!" and i yelled "Rebecca!"
> 10. How do you release anger? by crying or giving the
silent treatment or, more often, hiding. ugh
> 11. Where is your second fantasy home? in the desert! the
hill country of Texas, maybe.
12. Do you trust others easily? Hell no. you gotta prove it
to me
> 13. What was your favorite toy as a child? hmmm my June
the Bride doll? freaky.
> 16. Are you sarcastic a lot? not so much, actually! I am
quite earnest.
> 17. Your nicknames? superstar! and the bastardized
RebStar
> 18. Would you bungee jump? um, no. i am not retarded, nor
do i want to be.
> 20. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? ice cream is
on the Big No list.
> 21. Shoe Size? 8
> 22. Red/pink? Red
> 23. What is the worst thing about yourself? The hiding.
and the fruitless silent treatment i give my friends. They
don't usually notice, cause sometimes i just hide and it's
not related to anything.
> 24. Who do you miss most? my mom, who's too far away, &
dad, who's not coming back
> 28. Last thing you ate? my naturopath-prescribed smoothie
of berries, magic powder, green powder, flax oil &
acidophilus. it's really very tasty.
> 29. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
something between pea and chartreuse green.
> 30. What is the weather like right now? hot!! heavenly
> 31. Last person you talked to on the phone? Liz, who tucked me in last night
> 32. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
they're not girls .
> 39. Name of Favorite Childhood Pet? Ginger. or Stick, the
doberman with floppy ears
gt; 45. Favorite Dessert? good question. gotta think about
that one. now that the cookies and ice cream are out of the
picture, maybe strawberries (or whatever's dripping ripe)
and some yogurt. mostly no dessert for me.
> 49. What are you reading? Salman Rushdie "The Ground
Beneath Her Feet" Awesome.
> 52. What are your favorite Smells? Liz, cinnamon, roses
> 53. The farthest you've been from home? morocco
> 54. Most important quality in a friend? calls me.

email thunder

for your messages. and for the weather report.

your FEElings don't ever get old. i am flipping out a
little about this weekend and what it is and how good it
might could be, but i am realy really really excited to see
you.

really really really excited. i'm at a loss for anything
more clear to say. but this happening totally freaks me
out. so sorry if i turn weird. it sort of goes with the
territory, even as i'm trying to deal with what it is to
feel stuff. we can work that out together, maybe.

ok,

love
rebecca

dude

i totally hooked up in a not-particularly hot, totally set
up, totally opportunistic way last night and i keep
thinking about it, and getting all hot.

like, i'm smelling her, i'm flashing back, i'm thinking
"wow." even though when it was going on it seemed like a
whole lot of "eh."

i mean, i'm exaggerating the "eh"-ness, but wierd. cause i
was checked OUT, even as I was sort of watching and moaning
and "mmm"ing. and she left kinda weird, kinda unexpectedly,
without her tshirt, and i'ma see her tonight and i kind of
feel weird. hrm?

Yahoo! Mail
Stay connected, organized, and protected. Take the tour:
http://tour.mail.yahoo.com/mailtour.html

secret

i tried, again, to give this url to someone and again she promptly forgot (or erased) it.

which is now the third, or maybe fourth, time i've tried [to no avail] to go a little public. so i guess this is just for me and that's how i need it.

i am such a fucking pollyanna.

crying on mission street (alone)

i didn't want to throw a fit, but i totally had to becuase she was my bestest friend and then she vanished and i feel like an annoying kid sister who just tags along, who doesn't get her own dates. and she said it's true, she's been spending time in the wrong places and she's sorry and she loves me and takes me for granted and i said i have been so alone.

i cried on my bike and i cried on the elliptical trainer and i want to cry a lot and i haven't been telling anyone because my relationships have been so crunched lately, even as my schedule has become so very open.

i opened it up and vacancy filled it. not calm, not peace, but emptiness. sadness, crying. and i even started to eat wrong -not the wrong things, but definitely in the wrong way- and that's not where i want to be at all.

so i pitched a tiny fit and then i started crying on the street with the throwback ska boys looking at me and then she came over and i said i need you a lot and i feel like i get the shaft and that is crap. i also said "don't touch me" and then "now can i have a hug." and then i called and said sometimes i make bad decisions will you please stop me when i'm going to do that and she got it. and i think jen got it too and maggie and they are really nice.

it's so hard to have to work at every relationship. to have to know all the time what i want and what i need and what i have to ask for and what i have to let go. even my fucking mother doesn't call me. and i've asked for that 1000 times.

what the FUCK keeps me going?

hello, hot

in case you are reading this, in case you did remember. hi. i miss you. you are gorgeous and i cannot wait to fly all day long to spend two nights and two days in your sunshining state.

delicious lover of mine.

pendulum

and now i am awake at 2am and i fell asleep at 6:30pm and i hurt so bad.

my hands don't bend all the way and my medicine is on backorder and i need my medicine because i am not yet healed. and i am sort of afraid that this lapse will take me back to square 2, or 3, far from the advanced state i was in.

dammit.

and i miss her soooo badly and i want so badly to kiss her and feel her hands, her fist, her everything, and to wake up and roll over to her, or find her wrapped around me. this stuffed gorilla is not having the desired effect.

i wish the free time i had was concentrated into days, instead of these infernal empty evenings. and that i had already written the CA$H application.

awesome

the show was great. packed houses both nights and most of my friends flaked. which means- awesome. huge love great responses great after parties, no one went home alone.

this is the best most loving beautiful present engaged cast ever.

we have $2500 coming. what are we gonna do with $2500? We are going to travel, dammit.

we are going to get reviews from faraway places, because we have a kick ass name and we are from San Francisco. and that has cachet. i think. anyway, we're good. we're really good, and we haven't even rehearsed that much. what will happen if we rehearsed? awesome.

i am crying like miss america i am so awed and thrilled and elated. we can pay everyone a lot of money and we can still go camping and to nawlins. or somewhere. and jared will make the money go so far, and i can just make dances.

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

_____

also, that beautiful bit of candy who calms me and loves me so right and kisses me perfectly and sings so sweet isn't gonna be gone for so long as she thought she would be. which is fucking brilliant, because i missed her bad. i still do, really, but now that it's not an eternity that she's leaving for everything is so much better.

____

also, for god's sake, i did my laundry. and that makes everything brilliant. what should we do in rehearsal tomorrow? we have a showing on sunday! crap. what should we do? add a rehearsal! of course!

love.

____

maybe we should just use the money to all get tattoos. sweet jesus. love love love.