strong back

Arch noticed the other night how strong how ON my back is. she'd never felt a back like that. and i know it's strong and i know it's Because I Dance, and it is part of the reason i am so terrified to take a break.

my knees do not look like each other, one lacks bone definition almost entirely (it's under ice packs now because I love myself), and I've hobbled around all day. so why do i insist on thinking i can go to dance rehearsal tomorrow?

because of my stong back. because of my Hot Thighs and Strong Legs. because i have spent my whole life training my body and maybe i don't agree with all of that training but nonetheless i am so afraid that if i go away from this Dance Work for too long i will lose my Self. that i'll get skinny, undefined calves, that i will lose my awesome presence or posture or my legs won't go anywhere when i try and toss them.

but come on Rebecca. I've quit before, and the rhythms stay in me. i will not lose my body overnight and anyway haven't i lost it already? this is not "me," who hobbles around and has to remind herself not to walk like an old woman. it's not "me" who cries as she walks up (or down) stairs, hanging on the banister.

and maybe if i can give the me who's doing all of this a little time to recover, I'll come back as the me i imagine myself as, the one i'm trying desperately to pretend i still am.

or maybe i'll come back better.

so tomorrow i'm off. i'm sleeping in, i'm reading magazines, i'm "working from home" in bed. and i am giving myself time to heal. i am giving myself an entire week, and then maybe more. we'll see how that goes.

i love you, me.