(at gunpoint)

The special K and i got mugged last night. were we in oakland or berkeley? i don't know, but i'm glad that mr anonymous african american youth in a big white T shirt with close-cropped hair [carrying a firearm] didn't find the valium that was in my pocket, cause we needed those. K lost a hunk of cash and a pile of cards. I didn't have anything but my fear to give the kid.

And now I'm scared to park too far from my friend's house (her housemate got jumped not so long ago on the corner). I'm scared to explore those parts of oakland that i still don't know very well, but thought about as I got lost on the way to the pharmacy last week. Now they're mysterious for a reason: because I don't belong, and that'll be enforced.

i want to stay in my car, i want to tint my windows, i am hiding out in my bedroom afraid that someone's breaking in. last week i was telling someone that we often don't lock our front door, that I keep leaving my car unlocked in the street. i was feeling like Berkeley was a small town. A gated community, I told him. i always leave my stereo intact, CDs strewn about inside. and i startle easily anyway. this is not great.

meditation isn't changing that, but i'm burning my sage and doing it anyway. i also, at long last, called my therapist. amen.