asthma

it's a long story, but the homeless "mooing man" has defined my art practice.

in other news, i forgot.

strong back

Arch noticed the other night how strong how ON my back is. she'd never felt a back like that. and i know it's strong and i know it's Because I Dance, and it is part of the reason i am so terrified to take a break.

my knees do not look like each other, one lacks bone definition almost entirely (it's under ice packs now because I love myself), and I've hobbled around all day. so why do i insist on thinking i can go to dance rehearsal tomorrow?

because of my stong back. because of my Hot Thighs and Strong Legs. because i have spent my whole life training my body and maybe i don't agree with all of that training but nonetheless i am so afraid that if i go away from this Dance Work for too long i will lose my Self. that i'll get skinny, undefined calves, that i will lose my awesome presence or posture or my legs won't go anywhere when i try and toss them.

but come on Rebecca. I've quit before, and the rhythms stay in me. i will not lose my body overnight and anyway haven't i lost it already? this is not "me," who hobbles around and has to remind herself not to walk like an old woman. it's not "me" who cries as she walks up (or down) stairs, hanging on the banister.

and maybe if i can give the me who's doing all of this a little time to recover, I'll come back as the me i imagine myself as, the one i'm trying desperately to pretend i still am.

or maybe i'll come back better.

so tomorrow i'm off. i'm sleeping in, i'm reading magazines, i'm "working from home" in bed. and i am giving myself time to heal. i am giving myself an entire week, and then maybe more. we'll see how that goes.

i love you, me.

plans! whee!

ok- here's my plan:

Friday- pick you up, check you into your hotel.
Saturday- pick you up at the hotel (tea? depending on the
time), ride the light rail to the Beach!!!

hang out. lunch at the cliff house/beach chalet/chinese
land,
walk back through Golden Gate Park- chekc out Nature's
Pharmacy exhibit at the Conservatory of Flowers.

Dance/Theater show? dessert at the weirdo hippie place? go
home. sleeeeeep

Sunday- Here Lies Jenny matinee? shopping? happy hour/6-ish
open house at Ti Couz with all my friends stopping by (i
hope).

Monday- what are your needs here? need a ride to the
airport? or are you renting a car?

i'm so excited!
love
rebecca

the Ugly Real section- god, guys, it's just Art

oh yesss! now that the grrls have seen each other. scoped each other out, kissed, run, fucked themselves over and come back to something tasty, now that they've even danced happily together and been up & down & around, it's time for the ugly real of everyday.

malinda will run away one more time. while she's gone, isabelle will spiral into her own shit, fall, and wallow in it.

then malinda comes back and helps her out. and they have some fun, until malinda falls into her old shit. and isabelle isn't sure she wants to deal with that. but she does. and so on.

and eventually, they both fall, and climb up together, and can dance harder now that they have the vocabulary of the bullshit. because after all, that shit brings you closer. and that is fucked up and real and whoa. and thank god for my real life muse.

(it's also what's been missing as my dancers have been thowing themselves into the initial stages, but shouldn't, god help us, get into these later stages, at least not for a long time. which is why i'm the choreographer, and why this is not a collaborative structure. and why process rules.)

and thank god[dess] for fucking gay ass al anon. that shit is annoying. that shit is dopey, and that shit really helps.

whats going on

i was the golden child, the spoiled only girl, mom's confidante and closest friend, i had a tower room with flowery wallpaper and my mom all my own. and then she married this sad man with a sad, haunted house, and sad, haunted, addcited children, and i was the weird one. i was not the popular girl i had been a year prior, i was the outsider. i was trying to be someone but i didn't know who that person was.

and then when i was 21, after ten years of trying, and some drug use and eating disorders and promiscuity, my body quit, and started attacking itself.

and i looked really hot for a summer, except that i hobbled.

so six years later, as i try and rid myself of this monster, i am starting starting barely beginning to find the seed of it.

and mom is coming to visit me, and remind me that i'm still that golden girl i was.

oh the email psycho profiles

i miss you! thanks for calling- i'll try and catch you this
week, sweetheart. xooxxooxoxoxo

--- ej bott <socialgal7@gmail.com> wrote:

> 1. First Name: Rebecca
> 2. Were you named after anyone? No. I was the compromise
between "roberta" and "mabel"
> 3. Do you wish on stars? not so much anymore.
> 4. When did you last cry? yesterday- 6:30-7:30pm.
luckily mom was on the phone with me for a lot of it.
> 5. Do you like your handwriting? when i can hold a pen
> 8. What is your most embarrassing moment? Probably when i
was trying really hard to be awesome in dance class and my
teacher was telling a story about when she had just arrived
in New York and the director looked at her and said "What
is your name!?!" and i yelled "Rebecca!"
> 10. How do you release anger? by crying or giving the
silent treatment or, more often, hiding. ugh
> 11. Where is your second fantasy home? in the desert! the
hill country of Texas, maybe.
12. Do you trust others easily? Hell no. you gotta prove it
to me
> 13. What was your favorite toy as a child? hmmm my June
the Bride doll? freaky.
> 16. Are you sarcastic a lot? not so much, actually! I am
quite earnest.
> 17. Your nicknames? superstar! and the bastardized
RebStar
> 18. Would you bungee jump? um, no. i am not retarded, nor
do i want to be.
> 20. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? ice cream is
on the Big No list.
> 21. Shoe Size? 8
> 22. Red/pink? Red
> 23. What is the worst thing about yourself? The hiding.
and the fruitless silent treatment i give my friends. They
don't usually notice, cause sometimes i just hide and it's
not related to anything.
> 24. Who do you miss most? my mom, who's too far away, &
dad, who's not coming back
> 28. Last thing you ate? my naturopath-prescribed smoothie
of berries, magic powder, green powder, flax oil &
acidophilus. it's really very tasty.
> 29. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
something between pea and chartreuse green.
> 30. What is the weather like right now? hot!! heavenly
> 31. Last person you talked to on the phone? Liz, who tucked me in last night
> 32. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
they're not girls .
> 39. Name of Favorite Childhood Pet? Ginger. or Stick, the
doberman with floppy ears
gt; 45. Favorite Dessert? good question. gotta think about
that one. now that the cookies and ice cream are out of the
picture, maybe strawberries (or whatever's dripping ripe)
and some yogurt. mostly no dessert for me.
> 49. What are you reading? Salman Rushdie "The Ground
Beneath Her Feet" Awesome.
> 52. What are your favorite Smells? Liz, cinnamon, roses
> 53. The farthest you've been from home? morocco
> 54. Most important quality in a friend? calls me.

email thunder

for your messages. and for the weather report.

your FEElings don't ever get old. i am flipping out a
little about this weekend and what it is and how good it
might could be, but i am realy really really excited to see
you.

really really really excited. i'm at a loss for anything
more clear to say. but this happening totally freaks me
out. so sorry if i turn weird. it sort of goes with the
territory, even as i'm trying to deal with what it is to
feel stuff. we can work that out together, maybe.

ok,

love
rebecca