DRIVE

lately i'm wondering where exactly i learned to be so ambitious, so demanding, so exacting in my requirements: from other people, from the world, from myself. What? From my mom, single & professional, bouncing us back & forth between Texas and the midwest, until she married a man with a nice house? Or from my dad, who lost his high profile banking career pretty early in [my] life, and spent the rest fishing and drinking?

Is it something to escape, or something i have to prove? Because I really want things to Be Right (see communication, below) and I want them to be that way Now.

And even so, I so enjoy these moments of interim. When they are past, and there's no changing them, I've lately learned to abandon regret. Somehow it's all in the pre-show. The better better more more more is all in the pre and present, and once it's past, it's all free. To be whatever it is, without judgement, all lesson material.

If only I spent more time looking- looking back, reviewing, filing that information for next time, than rebuilding the wheels. huh.

BTW

I'm voting for John Kerry. Because I know that corporate america runs on the market regardless of who's in the White House, and because I know better than to believe I'll make a living as a community-based artist under any mainstream candidate, but because there is so much money being spent, and so many lives wasted with this imperialist, condescending 'we must take care of everywhere else [don't mind the kids in the schools, or the people on out own streets] in the world that might ever be a terrorist threat' warmaking. And to slow that devastating process, I'll vote Democrat.

I will also continue to support my local organic farmers, to boycott chain stores that displace local merchants, and to not drink coffee or eat, drink, or buy genetically modified organisms. I will continue to believe that this is not really democracy, and I will be cheered by the numerous, if fractious, factions mobilizing to make this a participatory election. November 2, baby, see you there.

baseball & kissing

I want to go to a baseball game and make out. and drink beer and yes and
scream, of course, and make out a lot. but my partner in the make-out-ing
will turn their hat backwards so it doesn't bang me in the face.

it's gonna be hot. any takers?

underpants

i keep accidentally putting my underwear on inside out. that's all.

capitalism? or just work.

i hate hating my job. i want to work somewhere that feels good, where the floors are clean, or not toxic, anyway, and everyone else there is present and not crazy. i also want to have health care, and plenty of sunshine in my office. So i'm halfway there.

no, REALLY

i know what i want and i know that i deserve it. and if you're just going to watch while i ask for it, well, i'm going to find someone who's going to GIVE IT TO ME. really.

vacancy

ever notice how looking at people you sort of know or don't know at all on the web makes you feel lame? like you're living your life only halfway? because most of the time i feel pretty for sure vibrant, but then there's some "fairy raw foods magick child" who's like toured with stomp and is all blissed out or the precious married people i knew in high school who are really beautiful and travelling or just posting nice pictures and i think "i suck i have to quit drinking and commit" but then really.

I love Michelle Tea for being so real.

In this life, though, i went to Brian's wedding. A pretty amazing weekend, all told. Before leaving town, i got back on the "work on it" train with the girl, began freelancing for In Dance, with maybe a lil review in the P/AVoice. Today met another Brian in the BART station, so we'll publishing the thesis zine for nerds like you.

Cause honestly, it's pretty clear to me that have some personal work to do before taking on the magick children and precious married people of the world. and that's just fine.