dear [man]

gawd, you're hot.

choices

my shoulders are in my ears because of the strange keyboard setup i'm sitting at, but here we go anyway:

i feel like i'm making a choice. it's not that one or the other is any more possible or probable, but that in choosing the matrix, i have turned off the possibility of hawaii. even though neither knows a bit, and neither had in fact made any offers.

i felt, or maybe i was told, or maybe i knew, the other night, walking into the crowbar (was it just yesteraY??) bathroom, that in choosing mr white matrix, that i had thus set into motion the next several years of my life. and when those years are over, i'll emerge, with kids, a completely different woman. and maybe that's when it'll be right with hawaii.

that last part is the part that worries me: the contingency. i am thinking too much and gardening not enough. also too much sex and not enough tea talking. as if that could ever be so.

and so: the techno ideas. what to do when the answer to "what are you into?" is something fundamentally opposed to the venue in which you're asked the question? can i build a virtual garden that mirrors or projects or at least algorithmizes (nice) that season's outdoor plan? so that I could honor what I think is real, even as I learn a whole new series of skills? languages.

it's so hot. i'm jumping headfirst into the technofuture right now. and I like the brilliance of the people i see around me. i love the fire they ignite in me, the bar to which I'm expected to rise. i like it a lot.

so sad!

weird. "so i'm leaving in a couple of days"

did we just break up? there wasn't anything to break, was there? i'm totally sad now. no appetite confused sad.

i like boys

i like them a lot. i like the ones who are really good at kissing. the ones who cut down trees cause the feng shui is off, who know how to build things and to do it artfully and respectfully and crazy resourcefully just because.

and the millionaire who offered the yummiest grounding sense by putting his arm around me at different points in the party, bringing me back to earth so that i can happily fly away again.

yum. i like it. i may have to start lying about my age, though, cause they're getting to be younger than i am.

nah

Best. Party. Ever.

1. Ballet dancers
2. Modern Dancers
3. Hot Buttered Rum
4. Bubbly drinks!
5. 3 kinds of soup
6. Fried norweigan cookies
7. HATS!!
8. Mistletoe. eh. that wasn't a big hit.
9. Dance Off
9a bedroom yoga
10. Childhood christmas stories over smokes & joints
11. Big Band Winter Wonderland & internet powered singalong
11a Chopin
12. Eggs, sausage, toast & coffee. 1 breakfast bun & 1 chocolate croissant.

thanks to all of us for putting it together, for lighting 10000 candles and for self-selection making those of us who were still in town in just the right frame of mind for a beautiful holiday blowout.

top 5 for the weekend

besides *everyone* being cool and beautiful and a little weird, here are my Top 5 Reasons I'll Never Stray Again, SF (bay area):

1) Casual Carpool- show up at a street corner, get in a stranger's car, drive with them downtown. Listen to NPR (thanks, Maggie), watch the sun over the Bay, watch the parade as everyone gets out of the strangers' cars at the appointed spot downtown.

2) Seeing the same dude (Lem?) 3 times in 5 days: on BARt, on Bart again, but going the other direction and far away, and walking by the Safeway. Knowing I'll meet him eventually.

3) Leaving the kitchen door open most of the afternoon. No bugs, just fresh good-smelling air.

4) Motorcycle ride across the bay (i'm crossing it a lot lately). VROOOOM!!!

5) All of the food is good. ALL of it.

6) Stumbling across an amazing farmers' market in the DMV parking lot. The egg seller is a hip skater kid from Santa Cruz.

7) Great haircut!

Who can stop at 5? This place is magic.

celebrity

Bay Area style:

Celebrity internet-LIST-er Craig Newmark just asked me "where's recycling?"

He came to me because earlier I told him I didn't know where the cookies were. That's how the magic happens, baby!