i feel like i'm making a choice. it's not that one or the other is any more possible or probable, but that in choosing the matrix, i have turned off the possibility of hawaii. even though neither knows a bit, and neither had in fact made any offers.
i felt, or maybe i was told, or maybe i knew, the other night, walking into the crowbar (was it just yesteraY??) bathroom, that in choosing mr white matrix, that i had thus set into motion the next several years of my life. and when those years are over, i'll emerge, with kids, a completely different woman. and maybe that's when it'll be right with hawaii.
that last part is the part that worries me: the contingency. i am thinking too much and gardening not enough. also too much sex and not enough tea talking. as if that could ever be so.
and so: the techno ideas. what to do when the answer to "what are you into?" is something fundamentally opposed to the venue in which you're asked the question? can i build a virtual garden that mirrors or projects or at least algorithmizes (nice) that season's outdoor plan? so that I could honor what I think is real, even as I learn a whole new series of skills? languages.
it's so hot. i'm jumping headfirst into the technofuture right now. and I like the brilliance of the people i see around me. i love the fire they ignite in me, the bar to which I'm expected to rise. i like it a lot.
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