dude, it still hurts

so many things are happening and in spite of it all i'm trying to be sort of unconscious. not on purpose. that's the best part. it's a subconscious decision to remain unconscious as my total life is reorganized.

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for instance, i am seeing a naturopath and have comepltely quit my Big Pharma medications. Going on three weeks (is that all? but yeah, it is. daily intake of 4-6 mega tylenol makes a big difference when you quit), and my diet is different too. for instance, tonight i wanted to binge out on cookie dough but luckily hadn't a penny to buy it, and nothing in the house to make it with. add to that the fact of wheat flour and sugar in the ingredients and i knew dough would murder the rest of my work. i had some chocoalte chips but they tasted like nothing. nothing. wow. so i ate most of a bag of tortilla chips and a can of pineapple. weird, but not completely toxic. or even genetically modified.

i am also eating whole foods the rest of my life. it is tremendous. i drink only the slightest nips of whiskey (only two weeks on this one), which is a great relief to my liver, i can imagine. it is something of a strain on my imagination, which craves that familiar burn in my throat and fire in my skull. i am trying to deal.

i take my "medicine" (in smoothie and juice form) and i woke in the night unable to place my arm in a position that didn't cause actual pain in my elbow, while i lay on an aching shoulder. in yoga my foot gave out in a standing posture; i had to bend that knee and rest. it was a thigh workout position and my toes gave. i can't do chattaranga because my shoulders are scared. they feel strong; they feel intact; and they feel scared. like maybe this will be the time they give, and i'll slam my face into the floor, strained in every rotator.

+ + + and i look serious when i sleep, even as friendly as i am to molestation. i make sweet sounds and roll into the advance, then go back to my serious face. when i'm not wincing, trying to find a safe, if not entirely lusciously comfortable, alignment. i look serious a lot, i think, as i run into people on the street and feel that dramatic difference between the face i made before and after seeing friends. i am serious, i guess, underneath. god help me if i ever stay that way for too long. like when i go hide away on a ranch one day, with only a typewriter and reams of paper and postage stamps. (Please someone send me away like that one day.) + + +

i am trying to get my 20 minutes of sun every day and i am succeeding tremendously. i am trying to remember to soak in salts and get deep sweating for detoxification. maybe i'll go to osento because i couldn't sauna after my long rehearsal yesterday. i am not remembering to pray, i am not eating and only eating when it's time, i am reading the paper i am playing scrabble i am thinking about policiy and war and social security. i have lit incense to calm myself. i am wearing sandalwood, and it feels good. i am speaking my mind and getting rid of crap, some of it, from my house. i am holding onto some anger at my moochy roommate.

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i am sharing beds with a ownderful woman who looks like a sweet sweet boi when she's dressed, and like a darling sweet girl when she's naked (except when she straps it on, but then i'm not looking). i like her a lot and she likes me and that is wonderful. i can go on a date with anyone tomorrow and that would be fine, i could also show up at her house and it would be delicious. she is a wonderufl treat, and we are trying to make our lives something and i am somehow managing to not completely bail when she has needs. i am doing pretty well. i took her a flower, even, and a salad, in case she didn't have time or resources to make the dinner i needed. i like her and she likes me. we agree on that.

we also agree, and this is the part that rocks my socks, that because we like and enjoy and sleep with one another, we do not have to commit to one another. and that is the revolution.

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i really want to make a dance that goes like this:
1) isabelle does astroturf
2) malinda does anticipation
3) together they do cubs in five and something else. soemthing i thought of yesterday or maybe today and now i can't think of it, but it is good, and it is what is now.

i love working with them!!!! they rule. i love this piece, and how big it is and how the sections keep coming and how we don't know how to fit them all together, and that i am working with sarah who is amazing and carrie who is the most supportive eager amazing beautiful ever. she looked like my mom today, in a really hot way (because my mom is totally beautiful), but i didn't want to tell her that because, well, who wants to hear "you look really nice today- you look like me mom"? no one.

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so i have now checked in, a lot, and think i might be able to sleep. sweet sweet unconscious.

yum, iceplant

i woke to the sounds of little kids and the smell of pancakes, with a delicious girl around me. then i smelled fresh air, went to the beach, ran through a rushing river as it dumped itself into the ocean, ran along the shore, washed my feet and hands in the water. I climbed rocks and laid in the sun, i took off my shirt in the daylight.

this delicious woman raced me, ran in the river, started the rock climbing, grabbed me for wonderful kisses in the tide. she held when i jumped her.

we fucked in the iceplant, the ocean panorama surrounding us, the sun shining bright on my face. god damn.

we ate girl scout cookies in the car and walked out the shaky bridge to see the ancient lighthouse. we kissed and looked at the city and told stories and stayed quiet and held hands and i love today.

holla!

dude, the bi rite fantasy girl is going to be my friend and friendster, i am master cleansing myself, i have ditched the super talented girl who gave me eating disorders and claustrophobia, and i'm going to reconnect with my ex, in a safe friendly friends place.

i'm also going to end the weekend with a harness, and i hope, something to put in it. and then the week will roll in so spectaculalry, and the ides of march will have nothin on me.

you can find yourself in a lot of places

you don't have to go to a meeting and you don't have to pay any admission and you don't have to really do any one thing in particular except ask. like you know, say hello. say how are you rebecca, and maybe or maybe not listen for an answer and if not that's okay, because some sort of intelligence will come. intelligence like, "hey the washer drain hose is lying on the kitchen floor." and that's important information too. Like whoa.

pickle

i was literally in a pickle last night and it's so clear soemtimes and most of the time it's not. it's so delicious, all the time, no matter who's there and that is the thing about bittersweet, that i can like them so much individually and know all the same that it's going to end somehow, and it's going to hurt.

SINGLE

I was afraid (with good reason) that I was going to fall into another relationship, and find myself all coupled, accidentally.

But that's not gonna happen. nope. i am single and i like the women and i am staying single. bam. so much for profundity.

loan

i am paying the first installment of my student loans tomorrow. who's a grownup?

i have been sick for five days and i am over it. maybe i should like go to the doctor, if there were more hours in the day.

the spaces between the letters seem a little arbitrary, and mutable. like they're dancing about and i shouldn't stare at them too long.

things start to change when your head is occupied bya surfeit of regular fluids. they take on characteristics of foreign substances, and it's not all right.

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romance. enough said.

(we should discuss it later)